My heart is heavy tonight. My dear friend's mother was killed in an accident. Why are sudden deaths so hard to understand? Since my father died only a year ago and that memory is fresh in my memory, I know what she is going through tonight. Her father passed away while we were in high school so that leaves her alone in this world. It is an odd place to be in when all the members of your immediate family are gone and you are all that is left. You are the "older generation" even though you have your own family now and you have extended family. The loneliness is felt deep in your heart.
I remember vignettes of my friends mother, the times I spent the night with her when we were in school and the times I visited with her after we were grown and married. Her mother was a strong lady that I know had her share of heartaches throughout life, but through it all she stood strong and faced each day with courage. Her mother raised a strong, beautiful, gracious daughter. I know her mother had those same qualities, because you can only teach what you know to your children. I know my friend will miss her mother terribly for I think they were best friends. My friend was given a great gift by God because she got to spend a lot of time visiting her mother just a few short weeks ago. When her grief is not so raw and tender, Oh, how she will treasure those days and the memories they made together. Life is so much shorter than we think. Do we take the time to make the most of what we are given or do we think we will have time later?
This song has helped me during the last year when it felt as though the bad wouldn't stop coming. The title is Move by Mercy Me. These are the verses that spoke to me, maybe it will help my friend.
I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I won’t stop, I’ll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but I won’t break
As long as I can see your face
When life won’t play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can’t seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I won’t let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter 2012
It has been a long time since my last post. Much has happened in my life, so much that I needed to retreat and sort things out. I have been worried about putting my thoughts down for all to see; afraid that I would not be understood, that I might make someone mad, or that I couldn't put my thoughts in any sensible order. Well, I still may not be able to, but I am going to try.
Last year began with a blow to my family that we are still reeling from. Because of the decisions of one member, we have become a disjointed family...not the loving and caring family we once were. Maybe I am the catalyst that began the destruction, maybe not, but it feels as though the mother is the one to keep everyone in a tight circle and I haven't done that. I feel lost and directionless, but not hopeless. Today is the day we celebrate the Risen Saviour and that gives me great hope. Hope that all that was taught and lived before my children will come back to their hearts and they will surrender their lives to their Saviour. My prayer for them is to find the only satisfaction in this life is to follow the teachings of Jesus, no matter how hard it is or what road it takes them down. I thought I had prepared them for a life of loving and living for Jesus. They claimed they lived with Christ in their hearts, but their lives don't bear that out. Their actions, speech, and lifestyles are in complete opposition to the teachings of the Bible and they wonder why so many things are going wrong in their lives. I came to depend on my relationship with Jesus very early in life. I never wanted my children to go through the pain and disillusionment that I went through growing up. But those very heartaches are what made me stand strong in Christ no matter what came my way. The only and best thing I can do is to pray that Jesus will pull them back to him and a right relationship with Him. He is the only one who will love and stand by you through it all.
Last year continued with two deaths in my family, my father and my uncle, who died within a few months of each other. How odd it feels to be the "older" generation. My mother died when I was little, and both my grandparents (who were as close as parents) are gone. Death is a natural part of life even though it is hard to deal with when it happens to your loved ones. So now my brothers and sisters will be the next generation of "old folks" to the younger ones in the family. Oh my, how the family is growing! We have added 6 new babies in the past 4 years! Deaths and births are part of it all, the pain and the joy of families.
Last year was the year of health issues for my husband and I. We have had to come to terms with the fact that we won't be around forever! My husband had a severe reaction to some medication and came very close to being the third death in the family. It is chilling to think about how close I came to being a widow. It made us realize that life is short and to cherish every moment we have like it was the last. We aren't promised more than this breath we are breathing. I have recently learned that I have had a stroke sometime in the last few years. Thanks to my Lord, it didn't leave me with any permanent damage, but it underscored just how quickly life can change. I have migraines and they increase your risk of stroke. I had no idea migraines could cause strokes, but apparently they do. There isn't much you can do to prevent a recurring stroke, especially if you don't have the risk factors that generally cause strokes. My grandfather died from a stroke, which increases my chances of having another one. I have many things I have put off doing in life that I would like to do now that I have more time. I pray that God allows me to pursue those desires for as long as I can. When things start happening, you realize the blessings of God come in greater things than material wealth. Health, a close relationship with God, a family that loves God and each other, and the opportunity to tell others about the good news of Jesus are just about all you need in this life.
So much is happening this year that I don't think it will all fit on this post. Tomorrow is another day and another post. Go worship your Savior today, and if He isn't your Savior, He can be....just ask me!
Last year began with a blow to my family that we are still reeling from. Because of the decisions of one member, we have become a disjointed family...not the loving and caring family we once were. Maybe I am the catalyst that began the destruction, maybe not, but it feels as though the mother is the one to keep everyone in a tight circle and I haven't done that. I feel lost and directionless, but not hopeless. Today is the day we celebrate the Risen Saviour and that gives me great hope. Hope that all that was taught and lived before my children will come back to their hearts and they will surrender their lives to their Saviour. My prayer for them is to find the only satisfaction in this life is to follow the teachings of Jesus, no matter how hard it is or what road it takes them down. I thought I had prepared them for a life of loving and living for Jesus. They claimed they lived with Christ in their hearts, but their lives don't bear that out. Their actions, speech, and lifestyles are in complete opposition to the teachings of the Bible and they wonder why so many things are going wrong in their lives. I came to depend on my relationship with Jesus very early in life. I never wanted my children to go through the pain and disillusionment that I went through growing up. But those very heartaches are what made me stand strong in Christ no matter what came my way. The only and best thing I can do is to pray that Jesus will pull them back to him and a right relationship with Him. He is the only one who will love and stand by you through it all.
Last year continued with two deaths in my family, my father and my uncle, who died within a few months of each other. How odd it feels to be the "older" generation. My mother died when I was little, and both my grandparents (who were as close as parents) are gone. Death is a natural part of life even though it is hard to deal with when it happens to your loved ones. So now my brothers and sisters will be the next generation of "old folks" to the younger ones in the family. Oh my, how the family is growing! We have added 6 new babies in the past 4 years! Deaths and births are part of it all, the pain and the joy of families.
Last year was the year of health issues for my husband and I. We have had to come to terms with the fact that we won't be around forever! My husband had a severe reaction to some medication and came very close to being the third death in the family. It is chilling to think about how close I came to being a widow. It made us realize that life is short and to cherish every moment we have like it was the last. We aren't promised more than this breath we are breathing. I have recently learned that I have had a stroke sometime in the last few years. Thanks to my Lord, it didn't leave me with any permanent damage, but it underscored just how quickly life can change. I have migraines and they increase your risk of stroke. I had no idea migraines could cause strokes, but apparently they do. There isn't much you can do to prevent a recurring stroke, especially if you don't have the risk factors that generally cause strokes. My grandfather died from a stroke, which increases my chances of having another one. I have many things I have put off doing in life that I would like to do now that I have more time. I pray that God allows me to pursue those desires for as long as I can. When things start happening, you realize the blessings of God come in greater things than material wealth. Health, a close relationship with God, a family that loves God and each other, and the opportunity to tell others about the good news of Jesus are just about all you need in this life.
So much is happening this year that I don't think it will all fit on this post. Tomorrow is another day and another post. Go worship your Savior today, and if He isn't your Savior, He can be....just ask me!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Cycles of Life
This past weekend, I found myself in in the same place I was in 5 months ago...at yet another family members funeral. My uncle passed away last week after a long and debilitating illness. As I sat in the same church as I grew up in, the memories came flooding back. I was born in this church family and lived my life there until I was married. My aunt and uncle were married in that church 42 years ago almost to the day. Memories of that day kept flying to mind. It was over 100 degrees when they married and over 100 degrees at his funeral. The only thing changed was there was now air conditioning! I spent many days with my aunt and uncle when they were first married and their daughter seemed more like a sister than a cousin. She and my youngest sister are close in age and she spent a lot of time at our house.
As we were standing in the family cemetery, I kept remembering all those loved ones that were around us. My father's grave, my grandparents, and other relatives that I didn't know personally but have heard all the stories over the years of their lives in that place. I looked around the pasture (where the cemetery is located), and remembered flying kites there with my brother, riding my grandfather's bulldozer as he cleared the pasture next to us, using the tin roof on the barn as a slide, storing potatoes in the loft of the barn, making a Morse code box and trying to learn to use it in that same barn. I remember seeing my grandfather everywhere I looked. The crib where they stored corn was our after-school job. We went there to use a corn sheller to get enough corn to feed the chickens, pigs, or whatever animals they were raising. Boy could that old corn sheller pinch your hand!
The air conditioner was broken at my mother's house, so we went back to my grandparent's house to eat supper. All of my sisters were there and we started talking about all the things we remembered growing up. I guess they were having a lot of memories surface too. My aunts ( that now live in my grandparents house) got out the old movies and put them in the DVD player. It was great to see some of the people I remember from childhood that helped shape me into who I am today.
This has been a teary weekend, but not all the tears were sad ones. Sometimes its good to take a walk down memory lane, even if it begins with a sad event.
As we were standing in the family cemetery, I kept remembering all those loved ones that were around us. My father's grave, my grandparents, and other relatives that I didn't know personally but have heard all the stories over the years of their lives in that place. I looked around the pasture (where the cemetery is located), and remembered flying kites there with my brother, riding my grandfather's bulldozer as he cleared the pasture next to us, using the tin roof on the barn as a slide, storing potatoes in the loft of the barn, making a Morse code box and trying to learn to use it in that same barn. I remember seeing my grandfather everywhere I looked. The crib where they stored corn was our after-school job. We went there to use a corn sheller to get enough corn to feed the chickens, pigs, or whatever animals they were raising. Boy could that old corn sheller pinch your hand!
The air conditioner was broken at my mother's house, so we went back to my grandparent's house to eat supper. All of my sisters were there and we started talking about all the things we remembered growing up. I guess they were having a lot of memories surface too. My aunts ( that now live in my grandparents house) got out the old movies and put them in the DVD player. It was great to see some of the people I remember from childhood that helped shape me into who I am today.
This has been a teary weekend, but not all the tears were sad ones. Sometimes its good to take a walk down memory lane, even if it begins with a sad event.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
What If?
BLESSINGS
Artist: LAURA STORY.
Album: Blessings
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
You long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
I have been thinking, praying, listening about the trials my family is going through right now. As I was listening to this song recently and really hearing the words, it came to me that the things that hurt us, scare us, make us wonder where we are and where God is could really be the method God uses to deliver his tender mercies to us. Not much has changed with any situation in my family, but I certainly have. I have grown so much closer to God and have intently listened to what He has to say to me. I most of the time don't even know the words that I need to utter to Him. I have poured my heart out to Him and He is ever so gently wrapping His loving arms around me with assurances that He has it all under control, even though I can't see it yet. The line in the song above really gripped my heart, "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near" I do feel His presence so much more than I did before my world caved in and I am praying that each member of my family will also feel His presence as clearly as I have.
Artist: LAURA STORY.
Album: Blessings
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
You long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
I have been thinking, praying, listening about the trials my family is going through right now. As I was listening to this song recently and really hearing the words, it came to me that the things that hurt us, scare us, make us wonder where we are and where God is could really be the method God uses to deliver his tender mercies to us. Not much has changed with any situation in my family, but I certainly have. I have grown so much closer to God and have intently listened to what He has to say to me. I most of the time don't even know the words that I need to utter to Him. I have poured my heart out to Him and He is ever so gently wrapping His loving arms around me with assurances that He has it all under control, even though I can't see it yet. The line in the song above really gripped my heart, "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near" I do feel His presence so much more than I did before my world caved in and I am praying that each member of my family will also feel His presence as clearly as I have.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Recovery
Well, the surgery went very well. The patient is doing great, in spite of some pain and soreness. I suppose that is to be expected. It is never easy to watch someone you love go through surgery, but it is better than being sick and in pain.
I have been watching someone else go through pain lately. Not physical pain, but pain none the less. How do you resolve such a conflict? I'm afraid I don't have the answer, but I know who does. I have said all I know, and it has not been heard. So, I have no choice but to back off and allow God to work and move in my loved one's life without my interference. I will pray for my loved one, with praise and thanksgiving to God for all He is and will do in my loved one's life. I don't know what that will mean for my loved one, I only pray that I can learn to lean wholy on Him and trust that He will do what is best for us both in this situation.
I have tried to figure out what changed, went wrong, or what I may have done or not done that missed the mark in my rearing of my children. Every mother has regrets that plague her, things she wishes she could have done differently. We, as mothers, can only do what we feel is right at the time we are faced with an issue. It would be great if we could have the wisdom of hindsight to help make those decisions, but part of raising children is the trust that God will give us the wisdom to make good decisions. I niavely wanted to do everything "right" so my children would have an easier life. I realize, now that I am older, that we are not meant to have an easy life. The Bible says that we will have troubles in life. What matters is how we handle those troubles. Do we stay the course with God, or do we cave in to the world's definition of "right"? I thought I had given my children the resources they needed to "stay the course with God". I am also realizing that it isn't my choice, it is my children's choice. My only job is to teach the resources, and pray that they will always rely on God. I thought they had all made the choice to follow God, and relaxed my covering of prayer for them, thinking they were safe. How wrong I was! My job now is to pray even harder for them as they manuver through the maize that is life to lean on God and not their own understanding. I hope I am not too late in this revelation of my shortcomings. With God all things are possible, so I will hold to that truth.
I was reading this morning from a book by Janet Thompson about praying for your child. This is an excerpt from that book:
"The old saying, "Prayer changes things," is only half-true. What it also changes is our attitudes as we relinquish our worries and anxieties to the Lord. Often, then, when we leave the results to Him, He intervenes and does what we could not do. Also, prayer changes our perception of what is possible and recruits us to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. And its's during the step of praise in our paryers that we experience relinquishment. You cannot really praise the Lord of All and keep contol of all at the same time."
So maybe this trial is also to teach me to learn to lean solely on God for all my understandings, too. I have always asked God to make me a better mother everyday. This is still my prayer, to make me a Godly mother each day even though I don't have small children in my home. Our children deserve our unconditional love, and that includes our constant, persistent prayers for them all their lives.
I have been watching someone else go through pain lately. Not physical pain, but pain none the less. How do you resolve such a conflict? I'm afraid I don't have the answer, but I know who does. I have said all I know, and it has not been heard. So, I have no choice but to back off and allow God to work and move in my loved one's life without my interference. I will pray for my loved one, with praise and thanksgiving to God for all He is and will do in my loved one's life. I don't know what that will mean for my loved one, I only pray that I can learn to lean wholy on Him and trust that He will do what is best for us both in this situation.
I have tried to figure out what changed, went wrong, or what I may have done or not done that missed the mark in my rearing of my children. Every mother has regrets that plague her, things she wishes she could have done differently. We, as mothers, can only do what we feel is right at the time we are faced with an issue. It would be great if we could have the wisdom of hindsight to help make those decisions, but part of raising children is the trust that God will give us the wisdom to make good decisions. I niavely wanted to do everything "right" so my children would have an easier life. I realize, now that I am older, that we are not meant to have an easy life. The Bible says that we will have troubles in life. What matters is how we handle those troubles. Do we stay the course with God, or do we cave in to the world's definition of "right"? I thought I had given my children the resources they needed to "stay the course with God". I am also realizing that it isn't my choice, it is my children's choice. My only job is to teach the resources, and pray that they will always rely on God. I thought they had all made the choice to follow God, and relaxed my covering of prayer for them, thinking they were safe. How wrong I was! My job now is to pray even harder for them as they manuver through the maize that is life to lean on God and not their own understanding. I hope I am not too late in this revelation of my shortcomings. With God all things are possible, so I will hold to that truth.
I was reading this morning from a book by Janet Thompson about praying for your child. This is an excerpt from that book:
"The old saying, "Prayer changes things," is only half-true. What it also changes is our attitudes as we relinquish our worries and anxieties to the Lord. Often, then, when we leave the results to Him, He intervenes and does what we could not do. Also, prayer changes our perception of what is possible and recruits us to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. And its's during the step of praise in our paryers that we experience relinquishment. You cannot really praise the Lord of All and keep contol of all at the same time."
So maybe this trial is also to teach me to learn to lean solely on God for all my understandings, too. I have always asked God to make me a better mother everyday. This is still my prayer, to make me a Godly mother each day even though I don't have small children in my home. Our children deserve our unconditional love, and that includes our constant, persistent prayers for them all their lives.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Early Morning
I am up very early for me this morning. We are taking one of my daughters to have outpatient surgery today, so this will be a short post. It isn't supposed to be a long surgery and hopefully she will get to come home after she wakes up. Any surgery is scary, no matter how routine. When it is someone you love, there is nothing routine about it. I have had this same surgery and know what she is going to feel. It isn't horrible, just very uncomfortable. I know it is needed and she will feel so much better when it is all over, but I dread seeing one of my children in pain. I have been awake for several hours, praying for her and for others in my family.
Life is so unsettled for us all right now, I really don't know how to respond to most of what is going on. I thought we would always be close like we have been all along, but it isn't turning out that way. Maybe I haven't kept on top of everything and that is why we are drifting apart. Or maybe no one but me cared whether we stuck together or not. I just don't know.
Life is so unsettled for us all right now, I really don't know how to respond to most of what is going on. I thought we would always be close like we have been all along, but it isn't turning out that way. Maybe I haven't kept on top of everything and that is why we are drifting apart. Or maybe no one but me cared whether we stuck together or not. I just don't know.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Again...
I am so angry and hurt right now I can't sleep. I have prayed more in the last few weeks than I ever have in my life, I think. I drove 12 hours to see my child only to find her not here. I wanted so desperately to see her tonight and to talk with her about an important event in her life tomorrow. It hurts so much to know that you are not wanted. The excuse for not being here was flimsy at best. I can't seem to control my anger. I don't know what to do.
I spent several hours as I was driving just talking to God about the situation we have found ourselves in. I have been over in my mind so many times what did I do wrong? was this rebellion in her heart all the years of her growing up and I just didn't see it? did she ever have a relationship with God? what could have prevented this? I could list a thousand things that I think happened, but it really comes down to the fact that she doesn't want a relationship with God or her parents. I suppose we are too old-fashioned and God has too many rules.
Part of me wants to "turn her over to a reprobate mind", and part of me wants to hug her so hard she will never let go. Her father and I have some very hard decisions to make. We can't condone her behavior, nor can we enable her to continue in it. We will be held accountable to God for how we handle this situation and she will be accountable to God for her actions. This will be one of the hardest weekends we have ever been through. I pray we all make the right decisions.
I spent several hours as I was driving just talking to God about the situation we have found ourselves in. I have been over in my mind so many times what did I do wrong? was this rebellion in her heart all the years of her growing up and I just didn't see it? did she ever have a relationship with God? what could have prevented this? I could list a thousand things that I think happened, but it really comes down to the fact that she doesn't want a relationship with God or her parents. I suppose we are too old-fashioned and God has too many rules.
Part of me wants to "turn her over to a reprobate mind", and part of me wants to hug her so hard she will never let go. Her father and I have some very hard decisions to make. We can't condone her behavior, nor can we enable her to continue in it. We will be held accountable to God for how we handle this situation and she will be accountable to God for her actions. This will be one of the hardest weekends we have ever been through. I pray we all make the right decisions.
Monday, April 25, 2011
A New Journey
With a sad heart, I have embarked on a long, new journey. I decided to journal my thoughts and feelings on this blog for several reasons. I want to let those whom I am praying for know just how much they are loved and to let those who read this, that may be now or in the future be going through the same journey, know how one mother finds her way through this heartbreaking journey. I know I am risking the wrath of the ones I am praying for, but please know I love you deeply.
When you are handed that precious bundle just after birth, there is no description in the English language that can adequately express your feelings. When each of my children were born, the verse in Genesis 2:23 kept coming to my mind, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh..." The overwhelming sense of pride, of responsibility, and of love shook me to the core. The fact that God had entrusted me with the responsibility of loving and teaching that child was more than I could understand. I have taken that responsibility very seriously...some think too seriously. When my children were very young, I had a dream. In this dream, satan came to my door, took my children by the hand, and led them outside. He intended to take them away from me. I went out, started walking around them and praying out loud for their protection. There were family and friends around me making fun of what I was doing, but I didn't care. I knew in my heart if I didn't continue praying, I would lose them. For many years I thought I had done just that and when I felt they had made faith in God their own, I relaxed my prayers. I am now finding out that I need to be praying fervently for them until I die. I do pray for them, just not as I did when they were younger. There are so many pitfalls for young people to fall into. My children are in their early 20's now and I thought that many of those issues had been settled in their lives. I have found out the hard way that isn't true.
I will be praying daily for them, one in particular, and will write my thoughts, insights, and feelings here as God walks me through this journey. I have searched for books on this subject and haven't found too many. The best one is the Bible. It has all we really need for answers to the issues we face daily. I will ask for the wisdom to know what to say, for the comfort of knowing that His word will not return void, and for the comfort of the promise that He will bring them back to His divine plan for them.
Today, I am angry. I'm angry at my child, at myself, and at others involved in the situation. I thought my child was stronger in their faith, but by relaxing my prayers for them, I hold a responsibility for the situation too. I am afraid of God's response to this situation and what that might mean for my child. I am afraid of my response to my child, I don't want to push them away, but at the same time the situation goes against our Christian values. I wonder did I not teach them well? did I not live out my faith so that they saw a good example of how to make decisions? Or did they chose to reject the faith that I thought they had? There are so many questions and few answers for now. I have to trust God will take care of them and me. That isn't an easy thing to do, but with God's help I can.
Heavenly Father, I thank you for all that You do for my child and me. During this time of being alone with You, I ask You, in Jesus' name, to hear Your Word as my prayers concerning any anger that may abide in me or my child. Your Word is clear that anger does not produce the righteousness that You want in each of us. I petition You now, with Your very words, to remove any anger from me and my child that may be a stumbling block in their walk with You. Thank You, God, for answering this prayer for me and my child.*
I pray that my child and I will be swift to hear,
slow to speak, slow to wrath:
for our wrath does not produce the righteousness of God.
James 1:19-20
*from "Praying God's Will For My Daughter" by Lee Roberts
When you are handed that precious bundle just after birth, there is no description in the English language that can adequately express your feelings. When each of my children were born, the verse in Genesis 2:23 kept coming to my mind, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh..." The overwhelming sense of pride, of responsibility, and of love shook me to the core. The fact that God had entrusted me with the responsibility of loving and teaching that child was more than I could understand. I have taken that responsibility very seriously...some think too seriously. When my children were very young, I had a dream. In this dream, satan came to my door, took my children by the hand, and led them outside. He intended to take them away from me. I went out, started walking around them and praying out loud for their protection. There were family and friends around me making fun of what I was doing, but I didn't care. I knew in my heart if I didn't continue praying, I would lose them. For many years I thought I had done just that and when I felt they had made faith in God their own, I relaxed my prayers. I am now finding out that I need to be praying fervently for them until I die. I do pray for them, just not as I did when they were younger. There are so many pitfalls for young people to fall into. My children are in their early 20's now and I thought that many of those issues had been settled in their lives. I have found out the hard way that isn't true.
I will be praying daily for them, one in particular, and will write my thoughts, insights, and feelings here as God walks me through this journey. I have searched for books on this subject and haven't found too many. The best one is the Bible. It has all we really need for answers to the issues we face daily. I will ask for the wisdom to know what to say, for the comfort of knowing that His word will not return void, and for the comfort of the promise that He will bring them back to His divine plan for them.
Today, I am angry. I'm angry at my child, at myself, and at others involved in the situation. I thought my child was stronger in their faith, but by relaxing my prayers for them, I hold a responsibility for the situation too. I am afraid of God's response to this situation and what that might mean for my child. I am afraid of my response to my child, I don't want to push them away, but at the same time the situation goes against our Christian values. I wonder did I not teach them well? did I not live out my faith so that they saw a good example of how to make decisions? Or did they chose to reject the faith that I thought they had? There are so many questions and few answers for now. I have to trust God will take care of them and me. That isn't an easy thing to do, but with God's help I can.
Heavenly Father, I thank you for all that You do for my child and me. During this time of being alone with You, I ask You, in Jesus' name, to hear Your Word as my prayers concerning any anger that may abide in me or my child. Your Word is clear that anger does not produce the righteousness that You want in each of us. I petition You now, with Your very words, to remove any anger from me and my child that may be a stumbling block in their walk with You. Thank You, God, for answering this prayer for me and my child.*
I pray that my child and I will be swift to hear,
slow to speak, slow to wrath:
for our wrath does not produce the righteousness of God.
James 1:19-20
*from "Praying God's Will For My Daughter" by Lee Roberts
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
From the Beginning
I guess the best place to start with any story is the begining. I thought I had told my children how I met their father and how our romance grew, but I must have given them the Readers Digest version! I will attempt to recall those events from ancient history that hopefully will help them as they seek their future mates. This is actually going to be good for my husband and me to recall those events and feelings that drew us together. It is always good to remember what sparked the fire that has lasted for 33 years! (wow! it doesn't seem that long)
We met at the end of my senior year in high school and G was in college just finishing his sophomore year. We lived in a very small town and there was never much for young people to do. The night we met, I was on a date with another young man, my brother's best friend. He was a great guy, but to me he was like another brother. Our date was not going as he had hoped, so we rode through town to see who was there to talk with. In this small town, every group of friends had their own corner where they met. My date knew G and decided to stop by his corner to say hello. I had never met G but I knew he was friends with my brother. At this point of the night, I was not interested in talking to anyone; I just wanted to go home. When G came over to the car we were in, my date introduced me to G. Now my date didn't use my name, he introduced me as D's sister. G's first words to me were, "So, you're Fortwright's sister". Believe me that didn't impress me one bit! I am one of 6 children and I have been know all my life as some one's sister. I do have a name and would love to be know by it, so both these guys were definitely off my radar by this time. I didn't even notice what G looked like. A week or so later, I got a phone call from someone named G asking me to go out with him. He had so not impressed me that he had to remind me when we had met. I had plans for that weekend so I told him I could not go out with him; he asked if he could call and talk later. Knowing he was a friend of my brother, I said yes. When I told my brother who had called me, he was not pleased. My brother had a policy of not allowing his friends to date his sister (and he was big enough to enforce it!). His best friend had just ignored his rule and now G was doing the same thing. At least that's what I thought was the source of his irritation. I found out later that they, my brother and G, had some problems with each other in the past. Well, G called later the next week and asked me out again. This time, my parents had something for me to do so I could not go out on a date that weekend either. So G said he would call again. The third time he called, I was free and we went on our first date. I later learned that he had a three strike rule. He would ask a girl out for three times and if she said no all three times, he wouldn't ask again. According to him, I almost missed getting to go on a date with him! (silly engineering mind)
Our first date was in May after my high school graduation. We went to the nearest city to dinner and a movie. When he arrived, I asked my father to answer the door because I couldn't remember what he looked like! My bedroom was on the front of the house and I could watch as he went by to the living room. I don't know what I was going to do if I didn't like the way he looked! I don't know if he really remembered what I looked like either. (He says my beauty awed him, but I think that is just him yakking) His car, as with most cars then, had a bench seat in the front seat. ( I think he bought it just so his date could sit beside him!) I got in on his side and sat in the middle. When he got in, he put his hand on my knee!!! I was not amused and promptly removed his hand from my knee! That didn't deter him, he just moved his arm to the seat behind me. Well, that was just the beginning. I hadn't been around anyone as forward as him, so I just kept my mouth shut. The more he tried to get me to talk, the less I talked. G doesn't give up easily, so he tried telling me the craziest things just to get a reaction out of me. Little did he know he almost got the wrong reaction. By the end of the date, he was telling me that the reflectors on the road were turned on and off by pygmies that lived in the ditches. I sat there in silence trying to decide if I was with a crazy person or if he was just pulling my leg. I wondered why in the world I had agreed to go out with him and how I was going to get back home! I really didn't know whether I wanted to go anywhere with him or not ever again! Fortunately for G, I decided I would give him another chance. G loves to tell people that we met on a street corner! I have to quickly tell them that he was the one on the street because he conveniently leaves that out!
We met at the end of my senior year in high school and G was in college just finishing his sophomore year. We lived in a very small town and there was never much for young people to do. The night we met, I was on a date with another young man, my brother's best friend. He was a great guy, but to me he was like another brother. Our date was not going as he had hoped, so we rode through town to see who was there to talk with. In this small town, every group of friends had their own corner where they met. My date knew G and decided to stop by his corner to say hello. I had never met G but I knew he was friends with my brother. At this point of the night, I was not interested in talking to anyone; I just wanted to go home. When G came over to the car we were in, my date introduced me to G. Now my date didn't use my name, he introduced me as D's sister. G's first words to me were, "So, you're Fortwright's sister". Believe me that didn't impress me one bit! I am one of 6 children and I have been know all my life as some one's sister. I do have a name and would love to be know by it, so both these guys were definitely off my radar by this time. I didn't even notice what G looked like. A week or so later, I got a phone call from someone named G asking me to go out with him. He had so not impressed me that he had to remind me when we had met. I had plans for that weekend so I told him I could not go out with him; he asked if he could call and talk later. Knowing he was a friend of my brother, I said yes. When I told my brother who had called me, he was not pleased. My brother had a policy of not allowing his friends to date his sister (and he was big enough to enforce it!). His best friend had just ignored his rule and now G was doing the same thing. At least that's what I thought was the source of his irritation. I found out later that they, my brother and G, had some problems with each other in the past. Well, G called later the next week and asked me out again. This time, my parents had something for me to do so I could not go out on a date that weekend either. So G said he would call again. The third time he called, I was free and we went on our first date. I later learned that he had a three strike rule. He would ask a girl out for three times and if she said no all three times, he wouldn't ask again. According to him, I almost missed getting to go on a date with him! (silly engineering mind)
Our first date was in May after my high school graduation. We went to the nearest city to dinner and a movie. When he arrived, I asked my father to answer the door because I couldn't remember what he looked like! My bedroom was on the front of the house and I could watch as he went by to the living room. I don't know what I was going to do if I didn't like the way he looked! I don't know if he really remembered what I looked like either. (He says my beauty awed him, but I think that is just him yakking) His car, as with most cars then, had a bench seat in the front seat. ( I think he bought it just so his date could sit beside him!) I got in on his side and sat in the middle. When he got in, he put his hand on my knee!!! I was not amused and promptly removed his hand from my knee! That didn't deter him, he just moved his arm to the seat behind me. Well, that was just the beginning. I hadn't been around anyone as forward as him, so I just kept my mouth shut. The more he tried to get me to talk, the less I talked. G doesn't give up easily, so he tried telling me the craziest things just to get a reaction out of me. Little did he know he almost got the wrong reaction. By the end of the date, he was telling me that the reflectors on the road were turned on and off by pygmies that lived in the ditches. I sat there in silence trying to decide if I was with a crazy person or if he was just pulling my leg. I wondered why in the world I had agreed to go out with him and how I was going to get back home! I really didn't know whether I wanted to go anywhere with him or not ever again! Fortunately for G, I decided I would give him another chance. G loves to tell people that we met on a street corner! I have to quickly tell them that he was the one on the street because he conveniently leaves that out!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A Challenge!
I have been issued a challenge by one of my daughters. In talking with her last night, she asked me to tell her how my husband and I came to the decision that we should get married. She knows we wrote letters to each other while we were dating, but she hasn't read them. I have always been a little hesitant to let my children read them because they are so personal (and I don't remember what all we said!). I kept all the letters my husband sent me, but didn't realize he had kept mine until years after we were married. That was exciting to me because it gives a more complete record of our "conversations". We decided that I would write excerpts from those letters here and maybe an explaination of what we were thinking and decisions we were making at that time. I have been asked by all my children how I knew their Daddy was "the right one", but I haven't been able to successfully answer their questions. I am hoping that through the letters and narration on the part of my husband and I, it will help them find the answers they seek. We certainly didn't do everything right, but maybe they can learn from our mistakes. It will let them know how much their parents love each other and sought to make a home from that love for us all. Let me know what you think of this idea! Any feedback you give will certainly help!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Time is March-ing on!
I can't believe we are at the end of March already! We have been so busy getting the house ready to sell, I haven't had time to blog or think, even! The kids just left after their spring break and the house seems empty once again. I am getting better at watching them leave, but it is still hard. The last few weeks have been hard. On March 6th my father passed away. It felt like it was sudden, but he had been in poor health for a year. I guess you never really are ready even if you are expecting it to happen. He had been doing pretty well and then suddenly the call came that he was back in the hospital. They thought it was pneumonia at first, but actually it was his heart shutting down. All of us, his six children and his wife, were there when he went home. The whole day he had spent time talking to each of us and telling us what he wanted us to do. It is sad and heartwarming at the same time to watch someone who knows his time is very short. Anyway, we each had time with him to say goodbye. I don't know if all of us realized it was goodbye at the time, but looking back it was a great gift he gave to us.
My father wouldn't have won a "father of the year" prize. He was a very hard man and seemed to have a tough time showing his love for his family. To him, providing a home was showing love and maybe it is, I just sometimes wished he would just have given us great big hugs and told us he was proud of us. There were times in my life when I didn't like him very much, but as I got older, I learned to accept how he was and to love him not for what he did, but for who he was...the father God placed in my life. Growing up, I heard him say over and over that he didn't think you could know for sure that you were going to heaven when you die until you died. In his words," you just have to hope you have been good enough and the Man upstairs lets you in". I accepted Christ as Lord of my life when I was 11 years old and from that day I would tell him how you could be sure and he would argue that you couldn't know. It really bothered me to think he would not be in heaven with me for eternity. Over the years, Daddy went to church, was involved in the leadership of the church they went to, and talked with many people about the assurance of your salvation. But he still had no assurance of that Gift. As I was driving to the hospital, I ask God to allow someone to try one more time to get Daddy to understand and be sure he was saved. Well, one of my sisters was given that privilege. There were only two of them there and Daddy said he was leaving. My sister asked where he was going and he said he hoped it was heaven. My sister said that wasn't good enough, he needed to be sure. He said he didn't know how to be sure and she told him it was simple, just ask God for his free gift. He has heard this so many times before, but I really think this was the first time it really sunk in. He prayed the prayer and my sister said he had such a peaceful look on his face that it was amazing. He wanted to go on then, but she urged him to wait for the rest of us to get back. He held on until everyone was there (we had been in and out all day). It was relatively peaceful at the end and the relieved look on his face was beautiful.
There were a lot of feelings as we stood in that room, anger, hatred, love, and a longing for what could have been; all rolled into one big ball. What could all our lives have been if he had had a relationship with the Lord Jesus all of our lives. The oldest 4 of us had a different mother that passed away when we were very young. I was the youngest of her children and I have often wondered how my life would have been different if she had lived. I do firmly believe that God knows what is best for us in the test of time so the events in my life I believe are used for my good and the furtherance of God's kingdom.
It is an odd feeling to know that both your parents are gone and you are now the "older" generation. My step-mother, who is the only mother I remember, is still here and very much a part of our lives. There are a lot of feelings to sort out in the coming weeks and I hope you don't get bored with reading about them. This is my only place to fully express what I am feeling.
My father wouldn't have won a "father of the year" prize. He was a very hard man and seemed to have a tough time showing his love for his family. To him, providing a home was showing love and maybe it is, I just sometimes wished he would just have given us great big hugs and told us he was proud of us. There were times in my life when I didn't like him very much, but as I got older, I learned to accept how he was and to love him not for what he did, but for who he was...the father God placed in my life. Growing up, I heard him say over and over that he didn't think you could know for sure that you were going to heaven when you die until you died. In his words," you just have to hope you have been good enough and the Man upstairs lets you in". I accepted Christ as Lord of my life when I was 11 years old and from that day I would tell him how you could be sure and he would argue that you couldn't know. It really bothered me to think he would not be in heaven with me for eternity. Over the years, Daddy went to church, was involved in the leadership of the church they went to, and talked with many people about the assurance of your salvation. But he still had no assurance of that Gift. As I was driving to the hospital, I ask God to allow someone to try one more time to get Daddy to understand and be sure he was saved. Well, one of my sisters was given that privilege. There were only two of them there and Daddy said he was leaving. My sister asked where he was going and he said he hoped it was heaven. My sister said that wasn't good enough, he needed to be sure. He said he didn't know how to be sure and she told him it was simple, just ask God for his free gift. He has heard this so many times before, but I really think this was the first time it really sunk in. He prayed the prayer and my sister said he had such a peaceful look on his face that it was amazing. He wanted to go on then, but she urged him to wait for the rest of us to get back. He held on until everyone was there (we had been in and out all day). It was relatively peaceful at the end and the relieved look on his face was beautiful.
There were a lot of feelings as we stood in that room, anger, hatred, love, and a longing for what could have been; all rolled into one big ball. What could all our lives have been if he had had a relationship with the Lord Jesus all of our lives. The oldest 4 of us had a different mother that passed away when we were very young. I was the youngest of her children and I have often wondered how my life would have been different if she had lived. I do firmly believe that God knows what is best for us in the test of time so the events in my life I believe are used for my good and the furtherance of God's kingdom.
It is an odd feeling to know that both your parents are gone and you are now the "older" generation. My step-mother, who is the only mother I remember, is still here and very much a part of our lives. There are a lot of feelings to sort out in the coming weeks and I hope you don't get bored with reading about them. This is my only place to fully express what I am feeling.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
A Brand New Year
I didn't realize how long it has been since I have posted an update! Wow! here we are in another year already. Things have been very busy around here. We are trying to get our house in shape to put on the market. Lots of painting, laying tile, sorting, cleaning and did I mention painting? One of my sisters came back with me at Thanksgiving to help me get some of my painting done. She stayed for two weeks and boy, did we work! We got at least half of the house painted inside. After she went back home, my husband took his Christmas vacation and we painted some more. With the help of my wonderful children, we finished the outside painting. I hope with all we are doing to improve the house, it will pay off in a quick sale. I'm ready for a change of location.
Our Christmas was quite, and relaxed (if you don't count all the painting!). All my children were home for most of their 3 weeks off. I really enjoy having them home and I really miss them when they are gone. I always thought I would have a hard time when they grew up, but I am coming to understand how hard it really is. I am trying to step aside and let them live their lives without my interference, but it is like holding my breath. You can only do it for so long before you have to do something! I see and hear their struggles and try to wait until they come to me before I give my advise. I also pray a lot more! Maybe that is what I should be doing anyway, praying and not trying to take care of things myself. It's just hard to sit by silent knowing what would make them happier and life a little easier!
This year with all the work we were doing on the house, I let the decorating for the season fall by the wayside. I think this is the first year I have done so little to welcome the Christmas season. All we put up was the Christmas tree~ I think though that we enjoyed each other's company even without the finery that is usually put out. And that is the reason behind the season, to reflect and praise all the good gifts that God has given us.
Well, puppies are out of their yard, and other work calls me. I will do my best to post more often this year! Happy New Year, ya'll!
Our Christmas was quite, and relaxed (if you don't count all the painting!). All my children were home for most of their 3 weeks off. I really enjoy having them home and I really miss them when they are gone. I always thought I would have a hard time when they grew up, but I am coming to understand how hard it really is. I am trying to step aside and let them live their lives without my interference, but it is like holding my breath. You can only do it for so long before you have to do something! I see and hear their struggles and try to wait until they come to me before I give my advise. I also pray a lot more! Maybe that is what I should be doing anyway, praying and not trying to take care of things myself. It's just hard to sit by silent knowing what would make them happier and life a little easier!
This year with all the work we were doing on the house, I let the decorating for the season fall by the wayside. I think this is the first year I have done so little to welcome the Christmas season. All we put up was the Christmas tree~ I think though that we enjoyed each other's company even without the finery that is usually put out. And that is the reason behind the season, to reflect and praise all the good gifts that God has given us.
Well, puppies are out of their yard, and other work calls me. I will do my best to post more often this year! Happy New Year, ya'll!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Holidays are Coming!
It's been a while since I posted. We have been busy here and at home. My husband and his brother decided that it was time to settle their mother's estate. I haven't had to do that before and didn't know how much work was involved! My mother had her 80th birthday, and there were things to do at the house our kids live in. We are also trying to get our house ready to put on the market. Soooo....I haven't had much time to think about being alone!
Sorting my mother-in-laws house was a lot of work and very interesting. The things that we chose to keep tell a story about our lives. My in-laws were married a little over 50 years and in all that time, I don't think they threw away anything! They were of the generation that survived the Great Depression and were sure they could find a use for anything they had, even if it was broken. (Perhaps we should adopt the same attitude seeing how our economy is right now) They lived in a time when letters were the main methods of keeping in contact. We found many letters from family and friends from years gone by and from recent times too. A handwritten letter is so wonderful to read. The person writing it has to take time from their day, think about what to say, and write it all down in their own handwritting. Then you have to put it in the mail, wait for it to get to the recepient, and then wait for a reply. Old letters hold such fascinating threads of people's lives and the letters my mother-in-law's stash are no exception. I have set up a blog to share these letters with the family and a few pictures that we need help in identifying. The url is http://www.nansfamilytreasures.blogspot.com/.
One of my sisters reminded me a few months ago that it was our mother's 80th birthday this year. Now I don't sit down to figure out how old everyone is, so this was a shock to me. My mother does not look like she is 80 years old. Nor does she act like she is 80! She still works part time for a local lawyer. They had a very nice reception for her and many of her family,friends and collegues came to wish her a happy birthday. It was great to see so many people that I haven't seen since I was much younger. It was also great to visit with family that I don't get to see very often and meet the ones I hadn't met yet.
The holidays are fast approaching. Thanksgiving is almost here, and Christmas is around the corner. I can't wait to spend some time with the kids. I want to make this a special Christmas for us all. No busy going here and there, just time with each other catching up. I have some new ideas for decorating outdoors as a surprise for them. If it all works out, I will put some pictures here.
We are trying to finish all the painting and last minute details so we can get our house on the market in Jan. I am so ready to move closer to my family. Since we have been going back home so much lately, I have seen all the 'babies' of the family. I so hate being so far away that I can't get to know all the kids of the family. I would like to be close enough to go see them whenever I want. I also would like to be in driving distance of my kids. I want to talk to them more often than they want to talk to me. They are at a stage that it isn't cool to tell Mom too much, she might not like what they are doing! Well, hopefully it won't take too long to sell.
Sorting my mother-in-laws house was a lot of work and very interesting. The things that we chose to keep tell a story about our lives. My in-laws were married a little over 50 years and in all that time, I don't think they threw away anything! They were of the generation that survived the Great Depression and were sure they could find a use for anything they had, even if it was broken. (Perhaps we should adopt the same attitude seeing how our economy is right now) They lived in a time when letters were the main methods of keeping in contact. We found many letters from family and friends from years gone by and from recent times too. A handwritten letter is so wonderful to read. The person writing it has to take time from their day, think about what to say, and write it all down in their own handwritting. Then you have to put it in the mail, wait for it to get to the recepient, and then wait for a reply. Old letters hold such fascinating threads of people's lives and the letters my mother-in-law's stash are no exception. I have set up a blog to share these letters with the family and a few pictures that we need help in identifying. The url is http://www.nansfamilytreasures.blogspot.com/.
One of my sisters reminded me a few months ago that it was our mother's 80th birthday this year. Now I don't sit down to figure out how old everyone is, so this was a shock to me. My mother does not look like she is 80 years old. Nor does she act like she is 80! She still works part time for a local lawyer. They had a very nice reception for her and many of her family,friends and collegues came to wish her a happy birthday. It was great to see so many people that I haven't seen since I was much younger. It was also great to visit with family that I don't get to see very often and meet the ones I hadn't met yet.
The holidays are fast approaching. Thanksgiving is almost here, and Christmas is around the corner. I can't wait to spend some time with the kids. I want to make this a special Christmas for us all. No busy going here and there, just time with each other catching up. I have some new ideas for decorating outdoors as a surprise for them. If it all works out, I will put some pictures here.
We are trying to finish all the painting and last minute details so we can get our house on the market in Jan. I am so ready to move closer to my family. Since we have been going back home so much lately, I have seen all the 'babies' of the family. I so hate being so far away that I can't get to know all the kids of the family. I would like to be close enough to go see them whenever I want. I also would like to be in driving distance of my kids. I want to talk to them more often than they want to talk to me. They are at a stage that it isn't cool to tell Mom too much, she might not like what they are doing! Well, hopefully it won't take too long to sell.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Quiet...Shhhh
Well, I am several weeks into my "empty nest" and maybe, just maybe, I am getting used to the quiet! I haven't had as much time on my hands as I thought I would have. My husband is home more often, so I am only by myself a portion of the week...not too bad. I also volunteer at my church, so that takes time. I have been visiting my children pretty often and that uses more time. We are in the middle of renovating our home and much of what is left to be done is going to be up to me.
The biggest problem with all that quiet is that I finally have time to think. Now I know that seems like an odd statement, but let me explain. Part of my day is spent on the phone with my children, which I dearly love. I get to hear about their joys, triumphs, and positive experiences...a great way to still feel needed. I also get to hear about the problems, fears, and anxiety of growing and spreading their wings...again I feel needed. The problem comes when I start thinking about the people in my children's lives that cause them to doubt themselves. I want so desperately to rush in and "fix" the problems so it is smooth sailing for them. But...I know that wouldn't allow them to grow and spread their wings. I get angry with those that treat them badly, or hurt their feelings. I can imagine the "momma bear" in me coming out! I want to protect them like I did when they were small and lash out at those that treat them unfairly. But that won't help them, only make me feel better. If they are to be able to handle all that life throws at them, they have to deal with these problems themselves. I pray that they will rest on their faith in God to lead them through their trials and I can step back and allow God to work in and through them.
I thought that I would be able to start a business like I have dreamed of for years, but the economy and a few other surprises have put that on hold for now. So I am spending a little time learning new software that I have gotten recently. I will work on the house, but I have to have a little time for "play". There are so many things I want to learn and do! I guess I have the rest of my life to try them all, but I can't wait. I want to do it all right now. lol For now, I will continue to enjoy my quiet!
The biggest problem with all that quiet is that I finally have time to think. Now I know that seems like an odd statement, but let me explain. Part of my day is spent on the phone with my children, which I dearly love. I get to hear about their joys, triumphs, and positive experiences...a great way to still feel needed. I also get to hear about the problems, fears, and anxiety of growing and spreading their wings...again I feel needed. The problem comes when I start thinking about the people in my children's lives that cause them to doubt themselves. I want so desperately to rush in and "fix" the problems so it is smooth sailing for them. But...I know that wouldn't allow them to grow and spread their wings. I get angry with those that treat them badly, or hurt their feelings. I can imagine the "momma bear" in me coming out! I want to protect them like I did when they were small and lash out at those that treat them unfairly. But that won't help them, only make me feel better. If they are to be able to handle all that life throws at them, they have to deal with these problems themselves. I pray that they will rest on their faith in God to lead them through their trials and I can step back and allow God to work in and through them.
I thought that I would be able to start a business like I have dreamed of for years, but the economy and a few other surprises have put that on hold for now. So I am spending a little time learning new software that I have gotten recently. I will work on the house, but I have to have a little time for "play". There are so many things I want to learn and do! I guess I have the rest of my life to try them all, but I can't wait. I want to do it all right now. lol For now, I will continue to enjoy my quiet!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Week 1
Well, it is the beginning of week 1 of the "empty nest". I thought it would be a slow, empty day, but the farrier called last night to say that it was time to trim the horses hooves. Now, John is usually here to help bring the horses out of the pasture and put halters on them before the farrier gets here. But today I had the pleasure of doing this all by myself. Getting the horses to the barn is the easy part...just rattle a feed bucket and they come running! We have 9 horses and most of them are pretty easy to halter. There is usually someone that balks at being haltered and today was no exception. It was so hot, most of them didn't mind standing in the shade waiting their turn to have their "nails" done. And then there was Kia. She usually doesn't mind being petted and pampered, but today she wasn't having anything to do with it. We left her till the end hoping she would settle down, but decided it was to hot to chase her and make her stand. We probably shouldn't have let her go, but it was so hot and we had been out there for a long time.
I don't have a problem staying home by myself, but I do not like the windows to be uncovered at night. I guess it is from my imagination as a child, but I really don't like to see the darkness outside. I had bought blinds for my very large living room windows and we put them up Saturday. That makes me feel cozy and unseen. I think I am going to like this time to myself when I get used to all the quiet! I don't have to cook if I don't want to, I can watch anything I want on tv, and I can go to bed when I want not when time dictates. One of my sisters sent me an email today about all my free time. I really appreciated that and since she has been through it there were some good tips for getting used to being alone.
I was worried that my kids wouldn't need me anymore, but that hasn't proved to be true. I am on the phone or messaging them many times a day and that is a good thing. Maybe they never really outgrow the need for Mom no matter how old or grown-up they get!
I don't have a problem staying home by myself, but I do not like the windows to be uncovered at night. I guess it is from my imagination as a child, but I really don't like to see the darkness outside. I had bought blinds for my very large living room windows and we put them up Saturday. That makes me feel cozy and unseen. I think I am going to like this time to myself when I get used to all the quiet! I don't have to cook if I don't want to, I can watch anything I want on tv, and I can go to bed when I want not when time dictates. One of my sisters sent me an email today about all my free time. I really appreciated that and since she has been through it there were some good tips for getting used to being alone.
I was worried that my kids wouldn't need me anymore, but that hasn't proved to be true. I am on the phone or messaging them many times a day and that is a good thing. Maybe they never really outgrow the need for Mom no matter how old or grown-up they get!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
E-Day is fast approaching!
Wow! Two weeks to go before I am officially an "empty nester". I am getting more used to the idea, but it still shakes me to the core. I think you will be seeing a lot more of my posts since there won't be anyone to talk with during the day.
I am still looking for something worthwhile to fill my time, but I have thought of a few things to check out. I have had the idea to start a children's clothing line since my children were young and I had a hard time finding the type of clothing I wanted for them to wear. There is a lot of research that I have to do before I decide if that is the direction I want to go and if its a feasible business. I also have considered going back to school to study some of the things I would like to know more about, such as learning sign language. I am a breeder of dachshunds, so I will definitely be studying genetics and mechanics of my breed. I will have time now to go to more dog shows and maybe get involved in Earth dog or agility. I love to sew just for fun, so now I will have time to make all those ideas that have rattled around in my head for years! I am interested in learning how to make jewelry, in quilting, in painting again, playing the piano more, and reading more. Most importantly, I will have time to really study my Bible and hopefully get involved in some Bible study groups.
There are so many things to do, but I want to also spend time with my husband. With his job and my responsibilities as a mom, there has been too much time apart. I want to spend all the time we have missed seeing and doing those things we have dreamed of doing.
We are also trying to decide where we will retire. We have moved so many times in our married life, that I want to find a place and put down roots. Hopefully I will get to finally build a house! Part of me wants to go back to the familiar places and people, but I really want to be sure that is the direction God wants us to go. I also want to be sure I am using my time in a way the honors God and furthers His kingdom. So many new and exciting days are ahead for this family and I can't wait to see what is in store for us! Stay tuned.....
I am still looking for something worthwhile to fill my time, but I have thought of a few things to check out. I have had the idea to start a children's clothing line since my children were young and I had a hard time finding the type of clothing I wanted for them to wear. There is a lot of research that I have to do before I decide if that is the direction I want to go and if its a feasible business. I also have considered going back to school to study some of the things I would like to know more about, such as learning sign language. I am a breeder of dachshunds, so I will definitely be studying genetics and mechanics of my breed. I will have time now to go to more dog shows and maybe get involved in Earth dog or agility. I love to sew just for fun, so now I will have time to make all those ideas that have rattled around in my head for years! I am interested in learning how to make jewelry, in quilting, in painting again, playing the piano more, and reading more. Most importantly, I will have time to really study my Bible and hopefully get involved in some Bible study groups.
There are so many things to do, but I want to also spend time with my husband. With his job and my responsibilities as a mom, there has been too much time apart. I want to spend all the time we have missed seeing and doing those things we have dreamed of doing.
We are also trying to decide where we will retire. We have moved so many times in our married life, that I want to find a place and put down roots. Hopefully I will get to finally build a house! Part of me wants to go back to the familiar places and people, but I really want to be sure that is the direction God wants us to go. I also want to be sure I am using my time in a way the honors God and furthers His kingdom. So many new and exciting days are ahead for this family and I can't wait to see what is in store for us! Stay tuned.....
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Independence Day
Whew! I have just gotten home from an 11 hour trip and can't seem to settle down enough to go to bed. I suppose I slept too much in the car.
This has been a wonderful, exhausting, fun weekend and I hate that it is over. My oldest daughter starts Vet school tomorrow. I wondered many times if that would ever come to be, but it has. We went to see her "coating" ceremony last week. The school she is going to gives them a colored lab coat with their names on it when they enter their Freshman year. She will get her white coat when she finishes her course work. While I was watching the students being called up to receive their coats, I finally realized that her dream of many years will come true. She has reminded me that she has to pass all her classes, but I know with her determination and our prayers, it will be a reality in four years. I was holding my great neice during the ceremony and couldn't help thinking about the short (at least in my mind) time ago that my daughter was that small. When our children are young, we think the time will never pass. When they are grown, we wonder why we wanted the time to pass at all. There never seems to be enough time to say and do all we want with our children. I suppose every mother feels the same way. We just hope we said enough and loved enough to give our children the foundation they needed.
The rest of the weekend was spent working on the house our children live in. It is such a joy to work on that house, because it is ours and we are fixing it for our pleasure. We always "fix" the houses we live in but not until we are ready to sell it. I never get to enjoy all the hard work! We put a fence up around the back yard for the dogs that they have living with them. I wanted to make it easier for them to take care of their dogs and for an outside area that the dogs could enjoy. We also did some repairs and updates inside. I was helping my daughters set their room up since they will be sharing a room this year. They have asked two of their friends to live with them so that leaves my girls being roomates again! It has been many years since they have shared a room-it will be interesting to see how this plays out. I hope to go back sometime this summer and work in the flower beds and yard trimming trees.
My son will be going to the same school as the girls are, but he will be living in the dorm. I am so glad they will be together. When you are having a tough time, it is always good to have family close by. The girls love to tell him what to do!!! He loves it too, but has to act as though he hates it. He got to meet some people this weekend and that has helped eased a little of the apprehension of leaving home. At least he knows meeting people isn't all that hard if you just be yourself.
So very much to be grateful for this Independence day. I live in a country that I am free to go where I please and do as I please. I can also raise my children as I please. All this freedom has come at a price that is paid by many willing to give their time, energy, and sometime even their lives so we all could live in peace. We owe a debt of grattitude that can never be repaid to these men and women in our armed services. The very least we can do is to never forget what they have done.
Not a lot to say tonight, just a few reflections of the weekend. So good night, or rather good morning~
This has been a wonderful, exhausting, fun weekend and I hate that it is over. My oldest daughter starts Vet school tomorrow. I wondered many times if that would ever come to be, but it has. We went to see her "coating" ceremony last week. The school she is going to gives them a colored lab coat with their names on it when they enter their Freshman year. She will get her white coat when she finishes her course work. While I was watching the students being called up to receive their coats, I finally realized that her dream of many years will come true. She has reminded me that she has to pass all her classes, but I know with her determination and our prayers, it will be a reality in four years. I was holding my great neice during the ceremony and couldn't help thinking about the short (at least in my mind) time ago that my daughter was that small. When our children are young, we think the time will never pass. When they are grown, we wonder why we wanted the time to pass at all. There never seems to be enough time to say and do all we want with our children. I suppose every mother feels the same way. We just hope we said enough and loved enough to give our children the foundation they needed.
The rest of the weekend was spent working on the house our children live in. It is such a joy to work on that house, because it is ours and we are fixing it for our pleasure. We always "fix" the houses we live in but not until we are ready to sell it. I never get to enjoy all the hard work! We put a fence up around the back yard for the dogs that they have living with them. I wanted to make it easier for them to take care of their dogs and for an outside area that the dogs could enjoy. We also did some repairs and updates inside. I was helping my daughters set their room up since they will be sharing a room this year. They have asked two of their friends to live with them so that leaves my girls being roomates again! It has been many years since they have shared a room-it will be interesting to see how this plays out. I hope to go back sometime this summer and work in the flower beds and yard trimming trees.
My son will be going to the same school as the girls are, but he will be living in the dorm. I am so glad they will be together. When you are having a tough time, it is always good to have family close by. The girls love to tell him what to do!!! He loves it too, but has to act as though he hates it. He got to meet some people this weekend and that has helped eased a little of the apprehension of leaving home. At least he knows meeting people isn't all that hard if you just be yourself.
So very much to be grateful for this Independence day. I live in a country that I am free to go where I please and do as I please. I can also raise my children as I please. All this freedom has come at a price that is paid by many willing to give their time, energy, and sometime even their lives so we all could live in peace. We owe a debt of grattitude that can never be repaid to these men and women in our armed services. The very least we can do is to never forget what they have done.
Not a lot to say tonight, just a few reflections of the weekend. So good night, or rather good morning~
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Summer Time!
So many things have happened since I last posted. My son graduated from high school, my younger daughter came home to work for the summer, and my oldest daughter is preparing to finish her masters and begin Vet school. My husband has settled into his new assignment at work and I have been working on our house remodel.
My son is the last of my children to finish high school. We have homeschooled them all through 12th grade, so that means that I am no longer a teacher; I have retired! It is a bitter-sweet place in my life. For the past 16 years, I have been a teacher in addition to being a wife and mom. My oldest daughter went to a public school for the first 4 years. My youngest two have always been at home with me. I always knew I would miss them terribly when they went to college, but I never dreamed it would be so hard. I have written before about learning to let them go, so I won't dwell on that now. The sweet part is that I get to pick up all those things that I gladly put aside when they were younger and I get to explore new uses of my time and talents. There are so many good things to do with my time, I just want to be sure I find the best thing to fill my days. For the next few years, my husband will be working away from home and I don't want to waste my time doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself. There is too much life to be lived!
My son feels that he has been called into foreign missions, especially China, so he has changed his major and his college. He will hopefully be attending the same university that my daughters are attending. I am happy to see him passionate for a direction in his life. He seemed unsettled with the choice he had made before, just doing it because he couldn't find anything else. Now the light in his eyes when he talks about all he wants to accomplish tells me he has made the right choice. I am also happy that all my children will be in the same town. They are close and depend on each other more than they would like to admit.
It is great to have my younger daughter home for the summer. She has one more year in college and is still trying to define the exact path she wants to take after college. With her major, she can go in so many directions. I hope for her this summer will be a time of rest and reflection and that it will help her 'get her bearings', as they say. It is always great to spend time with her. When we get a chance to talk, it is always a joy to hear how she has thought things through. I do think, though, that she analysis every thought to death!
My oldest daughter is very much like her daddy, a work-aholic! She is trying to finish her masters before she begins vet school in July. I am so proud of the way she has stuck to her studies and perservered when things got tough. It took her a while to realize just what she wanted to do with her life, but when she did, she went full steam ahead. I guess "full steam ahead" pretty well sums up her drive and ability to get things done.
I will miss them being with me all the time ~ selfish, I know. But I am, oh, so proud of each of them. They all have a love of God and others, and work to make their world a better place. No mother could ask more than to see her children grow into loving, caring adults!
My son is the last of my children to finish high school. We have homeschooled them all through 12th grade, so that means that I am no longer a teacher; I have retired! It is a bitter-sweet place in my life. For the past 16 years, I have been a teacher in addition to being a wife and mom. My oldest daughter went to a public school for the first 4 years. My youngest two have always been at home with me. I always knew I would miss them terribly when they went to college, but I never dreamed it would be so hard. I have written before about learning to let them go, so I won't dwell on that now. The sweet part is that I get to pick up all those things that I gladly put aside when they were younger and I get to explore new uses of my time and talents. There are so many good things to do with my time, I just want to be sure I find the best thing to fill my days. For the next few years, my husband will be working away from home and I don't want to waste my time doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself. There is too much life to be lived!
My son feels that he has been called into foreign missions, especially China, so he has changed his major and his college. He will hopefully be attending the same university that my daughters are attending. I am happy to see him passionate for a direction in his life. He seemed unsettled with the choice he had made before, just doing it because he couldn't find anything else. Now the light in his eyes when he talks about all he wants to accomplish tells me he has made the right choice. I am also happy that all my children will be in the same town. They are close and depend on each other more than they would like to admit.
It is great to have my younger daughter home for the summer. She has one more year in college and is still trying to define the exact path she wants to take after college. With her major, she can go in so many directions. I hope for her this summer will be a time of rest and reflection and that it will help her 'get her bearings', as they say. It is always great to spend time with her. When we get a chance to talk, it is always a joy to hear how she has thought things through. I do think, though, that she analysis every thought to death!
My oldest daughter is very much like her daddy, a work-aholic! She is trying to finish her masters before she begins vet school in July. I am so proud of the way she has stuck to her studies and perservered when things got tough. It took her a while to realize just what she wanted to do with her life, but when she did, she went full steam ahead. I guess "full steam ahead" pretty well sums up her drive and ability to get things done.
I will miss them being with me all the time ~ selfish, I know. But I am, oh, so proud of each of them. They all have a love of God and others, and work to make their world a better place. No mother could ask more than to see her children grow into loving, caring adults!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Change
You cannot stay where you are and go with God ~ Henry Blackaby
I am a person who likes her feet firmly planted on the ground. I do not like change. I like life when it is predictable, safe, and comfortable. But...that isn't what life is about. There is one constant in life and that is change.
I desire with my whole heart to follow God wherever he is working. That means that I have to embrace change. Scary, at least for me. This week has been a week of revelation for me that God is working in my family. I need to embrace the change that is happening if I want to keep up with where God is going. For the past 25 years, my children have been my main focus. Everything I have done has been geared to them and my responsibility to rear them in a Godly home. Events have occured that have shown me that I no longer am needed in the role that I have traditionally held as mom with the direction and answers they have always looked to me for. My role is changing into an advisor, a person to bounce ideas off, and a prayer warrior for my children. They are moving into their own directions and making decisions that they believe that God is directing them. As scary as it is for them, I am terrified. I think it scares me because it is change and I don't know what the outcome will be. Some are changing their goals and dreams in life and I hope they won't regret it later. I believe that God gives us our dreams to give us purpose, direction, and joy in life. Others are still searching for their niche in life. They all are learning that you can only count on God for love and support. Your family is always there, but even they can let you down at times.
This is a hard transition for us all. My children have moved into young adulthood. My husband and I are exploring where we go in life when we retire. We are all looking to God to show us where we are to serve in our new roles. Some things will change, and some will stay the same. I pray that we will continue to be the close-knit family we have always been as we all follow our paths into the future. We will have a week at the beach soon and it will be, hopefully, a time for us to come together and reunite our lives and hearts before we set off in our different directions.
I am a person who likes her feet firmly planted on the ground. I do not like change. I like life when it is predictable, safe, and comfortable. But...that isn't what life is about. There is one constant in life and that is change.
I desire with my whole heart to follow God wherever he is working. That means that I have to embrace change. Scary, at least for me. This week has been a week of revelation for me that God is working in my family. I need to embrace the change that is happening if I want to keep up with where God is going. For the past 25 years, my children have been my main focus. Everything I have done has been geared to them and my responsibility to rear them in a Godly home. Events have occured that have shown me that I no longer am needed in the role that I have traditionally held as mom with the direction and answers they have always looked to me for. My role is changing into an advisor, a person to bounce ideas off, and a prayer warrior for my children. They are moving into their own directions and making decisions that they believe that God is directing them. As scary as it is for them, I am terrified. I think it scares me because it is change and I don't know what the outcome will be. Some are changing their goals and dreams in life and I hope they won't regret it later. I believe that God gives us our dreams to give us purpose, direction, and joy in life. Others are still searching for their niche in life. They all are learning that you can only count on God for love and support. Your family is always there, but even they can let you down at times.
This is a hard transition for us all. My children have moved into young adulthood. My husband and I are exploring where we go in life when we retire. We are all looking to God to show us where we are to serve in our new roles. Some things will change, and some will stay the same. I pray that we will continue to be the close-knit family we have always been as we all follow our paths into the future. We will have a week at the beach soon and it will be, hopefully, a time for us to come together and reunite our lives and hearts before we set off in our different directions.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Waiting...again!
It seems in our life we spend a lot of time waiting. We wait in doctor's offices, for children to finish a lesson or practice for a sport, to hear news from a loved one, or even sitting in traffic. Our life seems to be spent waiting to see where my husband will be working. His job involves a lot of travel to many different places in the United States and sometimes in other countries. Sometimes the stress of all the waiting can get overwhelming.
This week the waiting, at least for the job, is over. He got the "official" phone call yesterday about where his next assignment will be. The relief on his face was immediate. His mood lifted, and yes, he even had a skip in his step! In this economy, so many are facing layoffs and the stress this puts on you is unbelievable. We had thought he would get a new assignment, but so many he knew were not getting new position. Now the new problem is how to shift from the pay scale he was getting for his other assignment down to the pay scale he will get for this assignment. I know God will see us though, and we will find ways to cut back.
Another thing we have been waiting for is to find out if my son has been accepted to the college of his choice. Once again, God has seen us though the stresses of waiting and he got his "official" phone call! He was very excited~not the jump up and down excited, but the quiet smile that never left his face kind of excited. Now to find a way to pay for that college and to make it through the audition for the music school! I think God will see us through that, also.
We are going to spend Easter with our girls! I love going there because I get to see my girls, but I love the place they live in. It isn't a fancy place, but the most down to earth place I have been. Where I live currently, there is so much pretending and posing. I prefer people to just be themselves, warts and all as the saying goes. On our way there, we will stop at my neices home to see her new baby girl. I can't believe that she has a baby, surely she isn't old enough to even be married, right? Time has a way of passing so quickly! I have only seen pictures of the baby, but she is so pretty. I just can't wait to hold her. I really miss not being able to get to know the newest members of the family, like I did when I lived closer.
So much in life is unpredictable. Each step we take could land us in several different places. If we knew exactly where life was taking us and how it would all play out, I think we wouldn't get any joy out of living. It would be boring and uninteresting. Maybe that is why God doesn't allow us to see too far into our future. Maybe what is so exciting about life is the unpredictability! It can be hard, but it can be also so rewarding. Maybe all the waiting is good for us. Could it be designed so that we anticipate the wonderful, rewarding, and growing joys and disappointments that God has for us just to keep life interesting for us? Maybe!
This week the waiting, at least for the job, is over. He got the "official" phone call yesterday about where his next assignment will be. The relief on his face was immediate. His mood lifted, and yes, he even had a skip in his step! In this economy, so many are facing layoffs and the stress this puts on you is unbelievable. We had thought he would get a new assignment, but so many he knew were not getting new position. Now the new problem is how to shift from the pay scale he was getting for his other assignment down to the pay scale he will get for this assignment. I know God will see us though, and we will find ways to cut back.
Another thing we have been waiting for is to find out if my son has been accepted to the college of his choice. Once again, God has seen us though the stresses of waiting and he got his "official" phone call! He was very excited~not the jump up and down excited, but the quiet smile that never left his face kind of excited. Now to find a way to pay for that college and to make it through the audition for the music school! I think God will see us through that, also.
We are going to spend Easter with our girls! I love going there because I get to see my girls, but I love the place they live in. It isn't a fancy place, but the most down to earth place I have been. Where I live currently, there is so much pretending and posing. I prefer people to just be themselves, warts and all as the saying goes. On our way there, we will stop at my neices home to see her new baby girl. I can't believe that she has a baby, surely she isn't old enough to even be married, right? Time has a way of passing so quickly! I have only seen pictures of the baby, but she is so pretty. I just can't wait to hold her. I really miss not being able to get to know the newest members of the family, like I did when I lived closer.
So much in life is unpredictable. Each step we take could land us in several different places. If we knew exactly where life was taking us and how it would all play out, I think we wouldn't get any joy out of living. It would be boring and uninteresting. Maybe that is why God doesn't allow us to see too far into our future. Maybe what is so exciting about life is the unpredictability! It can be hard, but it can be also so rewarding. Maybe all the waiting is good for us. Could it be designed so that we anticipate the wonderful, rewarding, and growing joys and disappointments that God has for us just to keep life interesting for us? Maybe!
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