With a sad heart, I have embarked on a long, new journey. I decided to journal my thoughts and feelings on this blog for several reasons. I want to let those whom I am praying for know just how much they are loved and to let those who read this, that may be now or in the future be going through the same journey, know how one mother finds her way through this heartbreaking journey. I know I am risking the wrath of the ones I am praying for, but please know I love you deeply.
When you are handed that precious bundle just after birth, there is no description in the English language that can adequately express your feelings. When each of my children were born, the verse in Genesis 2:23 kept coming to my mind, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh..." The overwhelming sense of pride, of responsibility, and of love shook me to the core. The fact that God had entrusted me with the responsibility of loving and teaching that child was more than I could understand. I have taken that responsibility very seriously...some think too seriously. When my children were very young, I had a dream. In this dream, satan came to my door, took my children by the hand, and led them outside. He intended to take them away from me. I went out, started walking around them and praying out loud for their protection. There were family and friends around me making fun of what I was doing, but I didn't care. I knew in my heart if I didn't continue praying, I would lose them. For many years I thought I had done just that and when I felt they had made faith in God their own, I relaxed my prayers. I am now finding out that I need to be praying fervently for them until I die. I do pray for them, just not as I did when they were younger. There are so many pitfalls for young people to fall into. My children are in their early 20's now and I thought that many of those issues had been settled in their lives. I have found out the hard way that isn't true.
I will be praying daily for them, one in particular, and will write my thoughts, insights, and feelings here as God walks me through this journey. I have searched for books on this subject and haven't found too many. The best one is the Bible. It has all we really need for answers to the issues we face daily. I will ask for the wisdom to know what to say, for the comfort of knowing that His word will not return void, and for the comfort of the promise that He will bring them back to His divine plan for them.
Today, I am angry. I'm angry at my child, at myself, and at others involved in the situation. I thought my child was stronger in their faith, but by relaxing my prayers for them, I hold a responsibility for the situation too. I am afraid of God's response to this situation and what that might mean for my child. I am afraid of my response to my child, I don't want to push them away, but at the same time the situation goes against our Christian values. I wonder did I not teach them well? did I not live out my faith so that they saw a good example of how to make decisions? Or did they chose to reject the faith that I thought they had? There are so many questions and few answers for now. I have to trust God will take care of them and me. That isn't an easy thing to do, but with God's help I can.
Heavenly Father, I thank you for all that You do for my child and me. During this time of being alone with You, I ask You, in Jesus' name, to hear Your Word as my prayers concerning any anger that may abide in me or my child. Your Word is clear that anger does not produce the righteousness that You want in each of us. I petition You now, with Your very words, to remove any anger from me and my child that may be a stumbling block in their walk with You. Thank You, God, for answering this prayer for me and my child.*
I pray that my child and I will be swift to hear,
slow to speak, slow to wrath:
for our wrath does not produce the righteousness of God.
James 1:19-20
*from "Praying God's Will For My Daughter" by Lee Roberts
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