I can't believe we are at the end of March already! We have been so busy getting the house ready to sell, I haven't had time to blog or think, even! The kids just left after their spring break and the house seems empty once again. I am getting better at watching them leave, but it is still hard. The last few weeks have been hard. On March 6th my father passed away. It felt like it was sudden, but he had been in poor health for a year. I guess you never really are ready even if you are expecting it to happen. He had been doing pretty well and then suddenly the call came that he was back in the hospital. They thought it was pneumonia at first, but actually it was his heart shutting down. All of us, his six children and his wife, were there when he went home. The whole day he had spent time talking to each of us and telling us what he wanted us to do. It is sad and heartwarming at the same time to watch someone who knows his time is very short. Anyway, we each had time with him to say goodbye. I don't know if all of us realized it was goodbye at the time, but looking back it was a great gift he gave to us.
My father wouldn't have won a "father of the year" prize. He was a very hard man and seemed to have a tough time showing his love for his family. To him, providing a home was showing love and maybe it is, I just sometimes wished he would just have given us great big hugs and told us he was proud of us. There were times in my life when I didn't like him very much, but as I got older, I learned to accept how he was and to love him not for what he did, but for who he was...the father God placed in my life. Growing up, I heard him say over and over that he didn't think you could know for sure that you were going to heaven when you die until you died. In his words," you just have to hope you have been good enough and the Man upstairs lets you in". I accepted Christ as Lord of my life when I was 11 years old and from that day I would tell him how you could be sure and he would argue that you couldn't know. It really bothered me to think he would not be in heaven with me for eternity. Over the years, Daddy went to church, was involved in the leadership of the church they went to, and talked with many people about the assurance of your salvation. But he still had no assurance of that Gift. As I was driving to the hospital, I ask God to allow someone to try one more time to get Daddy to understand and be sure he was saved. Well, one of my sisters was given that privilege. There were only two of them there and Daddy said he was leaving. My sister asked where he was going and he said he hoped it was heaven. My sister said that wasn't good enough, he needed to be sure. He said he didn't know how to be sure and she told him it was simple, just ask God for his free gift. He has heard this so many times before, but I really think this was the first time it really sunk in. He prayed the prayer and my sister said he had such a peaceful look on his face that it was amazing. He wanted to go on then, but she urged him to wait for the rest of us to get back. He held on until everyone was there (we had been in and out all day). It was relatively peaceful at the end and the relieved look on his face was beautiful.
There were a lot of feelings as we stood in that room, anger, hatred, love, and a longing for what could have been; all rolled into one big ball. What could all our lives have been if he had had a relationship with the Lord Jesus all of our lives. The oldest 4 of us had a different mother that passed away when we were very young. I was the youngest of her children and I have often wondered how my life would have been different if she had lived. I do firmly believe that God knows what is best for us in the test of time so the events in my life I believe are used for my good and the furtherance of God's kingdom.
It is an odd feeling to know that both your parents are gone and you are now the "older" generation. My step-mother, who is the only mother I remember, is still here and very much a part of our lives. There are a lot of feelings to sort out in the coming weeks and I hope you don't get bored with reading about them. This is my only place to fully express what I am feeling.
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