Cycles of Life

This past weekend, I found myself in in the same place I was in 5 months ago...at yet another family members funeral.  My uncle passed away last week after a long and debilitating illness.  As I sat in the same church as I grew up in, the memories came flooding back.  I was born in this church family and lived my life there until I was married.  My aunt and uncle were married in that church 42 years ago almost to the day.  Memories of that day kept flying to mind.  It was over 100 degrees when they married and over 100 degrees at his funeral. The only thing changed was there was now air conditioning!  I spent many days with my aunt and uncle when they were first married and their daughter seemed more like a sister than a cousin.  She and my youngest sister are close in age and she spent a lot of time at our house. 

As we were standing in the family cemetery, I kept remembering all those loved ones that were around us.  My father's grave, my grandparents, and other relatives that I didn't know personally but have heard all the stories over the years of their lives in that place.  I looked around the pasture (where the cemetery is located), and remembered flying kites there with my brother, riding my grandfather's bulldozer as he cleared the pasture next to us, using the tin roof on the barn as a slide, storing potatoes in the loft of the barn, making a Morse code box and trying to learn to use it in that same barn.  I remember seeing my grandfather everywhere I looked.  The crib where they stored corn was our after-school job.  We went there to use a corn sheller to get enough corn to feed the chickens, pigs, or whatever animals they were raising.  Boy could that old corn sheller pinch your hand!  

The air conditioner was broken at my mother's house, so we went back to my grandparent's house to eat supper.  All of my sisters were there and we started talking about all the things we remembered growing up.  I guess they were having a lot of memories surface too.  My aunts ( that now live in my grandparents house) got out the old movies and put them in the DVD player.  It was great to see some of the people I remember from childhood that helped shape me into who I am today.  

This has been a teary weekend, but not all the tears were sad ones.  Sometimes its good to take a walk down memory lane, even if it begins with a sad event.

What If?

BLESSINGS
Artist: LAURA STORY.
Album: Blessings



We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
You long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise


What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I have been thinking, praying, listening about the trials my family is going through right now.  As I was listening to this song recently and really hearing the words, it came to me that the things that hurt us, scare us, make us wonder where we are and where God is could really be the method God uses to deliver his tender mercies to us.  Not much has changed with any situation in my family, but I certainly have.  I have grown so much closer to God and have intently listened to what He has to say to me.  I most of the time don't even know the words that I need to utter to Him.  I have poured my heart out to Him and He is ever so gently wrapping His loving arms around me with assurances that He has it all under control, even though I can't see it yet.  The line in the song above really gripped my heart, "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near"  I do feel His presence so much more than I did before my world caved in and I am praying that each member of my family will also feel His presence as clearly as I have.

Recovery

Well, the surgery went very well.  The patient is doing great, in spite of some pain and soreness.  I suppose that is to be expected.  It is never easy to watch someone you love go through surgery, but it is better than being sick and in pain.

I have been watching someone else go through pain lately.  Not physical pain, but pain none the less.  How do you resolve such a conflict?  I'm afraid I don't have the answer, but I know who does.   I have said all I know, and it has not been heard.  So, I have no choice but to back off and allow God to work and move in my loved one's life without my interference.  I will pray for my loved one, with praise and thanksgiving to God for all He is and will do in my loved one's life.  I don't know what that will mean for my loved one, I only pray that I can learn to lean wholy on Him and trust that He will do what is best for us both in this situation.

I have tried to figure out what changed, went wrong, or what I may have done or not done that missed the mark in my rearing of my children.  Every mother has regrets that plague her, things she wishes she could have done differently.  We, as mothers, can only do what we feel is right at the time we are faced with an issue.  It would be great if we could have the wisdom of hindsight to help make those decisions, but part of raising children is the trust that God will give us the wisdom to make good decisions.  I niavely wanted to do everything "right" so my children would have an easier life.  I realize, now that I am older, that we are not meant to have an easy life.  The Bible says that we will have troubles in life.  What matters is how we handle those troubles.  Do we stay the course with God, or do we cave in to the world's definition of "right"?   I thought I had given my children the resources they needed to "stay the course with God".  I am also realizing that it isn't my choice, it is my children's choice.  My only job is to teach the resources, and pray that they will always rely on God.  I thought they had all made the choice to follow God, and relaxed my covering of prayer for them, thinking they were safe.  How wrong I was!  My job now is to pray even harder for them as they manuver through the maize that is life to lean on God and not their own understanding.  I hope I am not too late in this revelation of my shortcomings.  With God all things are possible, so I will hold to that truth. 

I was reading this morning from a book by Janet Thompson about praying for your child.  This is an excerpt from that book:
         "The old saying, "Prayer changes things," is only half-true.  What it also changes is our attitudes as we relinquish our worries and anxieties to the Lord.  Often, then, when we leave the results to Him, He intervenes and does what we could not do.  Also, prayer changes our perception of what is possible and recruits us to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.  And its's during the step of praise in our paryers that we experience relinquishment.  You cannot really praise the Lord of All and keep contol of all at the same time."

So maybe this trial is also to teach me to learn to lean solely on God for all my understandings, too.  I have always asked God to make me a better mother everyday.  This is still my prayer, to make me a Godly mother each day even though I don't have small children in my home.  Our children deserve our unconditional love, and that includes our constant, persistent prayers for them all their lives.


         

Early Morning

I am up very early for me this morning.  We are taking one of my daughters to have outpatient surgery today, so this will be a short post.  It isn't supposed to be a long surgery and hopefully she will get to come home after she wakes up.  Any surgery is scary, no matter how routine.  When it is someone you love, there is nothing routine about it.  I have had this same surgery and know what she is going to feel.   It isn't horrible, just very uncomfortable.  I know it is needed and she will feel so much better when it is all over, but I dread seeing one of my children in pain.  I have been awake for several hours, praying for her and for others in my family. 

Life is so unsettled for us all right now, I really don't know how to respond to most of what is going on.  I thought we would always be close like we have been all along, but it isn't turning out that way.  Maybe I haven't kept on top of everything and that is why we are drifting apart.  Or maybe no one but me cared whether we stuck together or not.  I just don't know.

Again...

I am so angry and hurt right now I can't sleep.  I have prayed more in the last few weeks than I ever have in my life, I think.  I drove 12 hours to see my child only to find her not here.  I wanted so desperately to see her tonight and to talk with her about an important event in her life tomorrow.  It hurts so much to know that you are not wanted.  The excuse for not being here was flimsy at best.  I can't seem to control my anger.  I don't know what to do. 

I spent several hours as I was driving just talking to God about the situation we have found ourselves in.  I have been over in my mind so many times what did I do wrong? was this rebellion in her heart all the years of her growing up and I just didn't see it? did she ever have a relationship with God? what could have prevented this?   I could list  a thousand things that I think happened, but it really comes down to the fact that she doesn't want a relationship with God or her parents.  I suppose we are too old-fashioned and God has too many rules. 

Part of me wants to "turn her over to a reprobate mind", and part of me wants to hug her so hard she will never let go.  Her father and I have some very hard decisions to make.  We can't condone her behavior, nor can we enable her to continue in it.  We will be held accountable to God for how we handle this situation and she will be accountable to God for her actions.  This will be one of the hardest weekends we have ever been through.  I pray we all make the right decisions. 

A New Journey

With a sad heart, I have embarked on a long, new journey.  I decided to journal my thoughts and feelings on this blog for several reasons.  I want to let those whom I am praying for know just how much they are loved and to let those who read this, that may be now or in the future be going through the same journey, know how one mother finds her way through this heartbreaking journey.  I know I am risking the wrath of the ones I am praying for, but please know I love you deeply.

When you are handed that precious bundle just after birth, there is no description in the English language that can adequately express your feelings.  When each of my children were born, the verse in Genesis 2:23 kept coming to my mind, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh..."  The overwhelming sense of pride, of responsibility, and of love shook me to the core.  The fact that God had entrusted me with the responsibility of loving and teaching that child was more than I could understand.  I have taken that responsibility very seriously...some think too seriously.  When my children were very young, I had a dream.  In this dream, satan came to my door, took my children by the hand, and led them outside.  He intended to take them away from me.  I went out, started walking around them and praying out loud for their protection.  There were family and friends around me making fun of what I was doing, but I didn't care.  I knew in my heart if I didn't continue praying, I would lose them.  For many years I thought I had done just that and when I felt they had made faith in God  their own, I relaxed my prayers.  I am now finding out that I need to be praying fervently for them until I die.  I do pray for them, just not as I did when they were younger.  There are so many pitfalls for young people to fall into.  My children are in their early 20's now and I thought that many of those issues had been settled in their lives.  I have found out the hard way that isn't true.

I will be praying daily for them, one in particular, and will write my thoughts, insights, and feelings here as God walks me through this journey.  I have searched for books on this subject and haven't found too many.  The best one is the Bible.  It has all we really need for answers to the issues we face daily.  I will ask for the wisdom to know what to say, for the comfort of knowing that His word will not return void, and for the comfort of the promise that He will bring them back to His divine plan for them. 

Today, I am angry.  I'm angry at my child, at myself, and at others involved in the situation.  I thought my child was stronger in their faith, but by relaxing my prayers for them, I hold a responsibility for the situation too. I am afraid of God's response to this situation and what that might mean for my child.  I am afraid of my response to my child, I don't want to push them away, but at the same time the situation goes against our Christian values.  I wonder did I not teach them well? did I not live out my faith so that they saw a good example of how to make decisions?  Or did they chose to reject the faith that I thought they had?  There are so many questions and few answers for now.  I have to trust God will take care of them and me.  That isn't an easy thing to do, but with God's help I can.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for all that You do for my child and me.  During this time of being alone with You, I ask You, in Jesus' name, to hear Your Word as my prayers concerning any anger that may abide in me or my child.  Your Word is clear that anger does not produce the righteousness that You want in each of us.  I petition You now, with Your very words, to remove any anger from me and my child that may be a stumbling block in their walk with You.  Thank You, God, for answering this prayer for me and my child.*

                           I pray that my child and I will be swift to hear,
                           slow to speak, slow to wrath:
                           for our wrath does not produce the righteousness of God.
                                                                                                   James 1:19-20


*from "Praying God's Will For My Daughter" by Lee Roberts

From the Beginning

I guess the best place to start with any story is the begining.  I thought I had told my children how I met their father and how our romance grew, but I must have given them the Readers Digest version!  I will attempt to recall those events from ancient history that hopefully will help them as they seek their future mates.  This is actually going to be good for my husband and me to recall those events and feelings that drew us together.  It is always good to remember what sparked the fire that has lasted for 33 years! (wow! it doesn't seem that long) 

We met at the end of my senior year in high school and G was in college just finishing his sophomore year.  We lived in a very small town and there was never much for young people to do.  The night we met, I was on a date with another young man, my brother's best friend.  He was a great guy, but to me he was like another brother.  Our date was not going as he had hoped, so we rode through town to see who was there to talk with.  In this small town, every group of friends had their own corner where they met.  My date knew G and decided to stop by his corner to say hello.  I had never met G but I knew he was friends with my brother.  At this point of the night, I was not interested in talking to anyone; I just wanted to go home. When G came over to the car we were in, my date introduced me to G.  Now my date didn't use my name, he introduced me as D's sister. G's first words to me were, "So, you're Fortwright's sister".   Believe me that didn't impress me one bit!  I am one of 6 children and I have been know all my life as some one's sister. I do have a name and would love to be know by it, so both these guys were definitely off my radar by this time.  I didn't even notice what G looked like.  A week or so later, I got a phone call from someone named G asking me to go out with him.  He had so not impressed me that he had to remind me when we had met.  I had plans for that weekend so I told him I could not go out with him;  he asked if he could call and talk later.  Knowing he was a friend of my brother, I said yes.  When I told my brother who had called me, he was not pleased.  My brother had a policy of not allowing his friends to date his sister (and he was big enough to enforce it!).  His best friend had just ignored his rule and now G was doing the same thing.  At least that's what I thought was the source of his irritation.  I found out later that they, my brother and G, had some problems with each other in the past.  Well, G called later the next week and asked me out again.  This time, my parents had something for me to do so I could not go out on a date that weekend either.  So G said he would call again.  The third time he called, I was free and we went on our first date.  I later learned that he had a three strike rule.  He would ask a girl out for three times and if she said no all three times, he wouldn't ask again.  According to him, I almost missed getting to go on a date with him!  (silly engineering mind)

Our first date was in May after my high school graduation.  We went to the nearest city to dinner and a movie.  When he arrived, I asked my father to answer the door because I couldn't remember what he looked like! My bedroom was on the front of the house and I could watch as he went by to the living room.  I don't know what I was going to do if I didn't like the way he looked!  I don't know if he really remembered what I looked like either. (He says my beauty awed him, but I think that is just him yakking)  His car, as with most cars then, had a bench seat in the front seat. ( I think he bought it just so his date could sit beside him!)  I got in on his side and sat in the middle.  When he got in, he put his hand on my knee!!!  I was not amused and promptly removed his hand from my knee!  That didn't deter him, he just moved his arm to the seat behind me.   Well, that was just the beginning.  I hadn't been around anyone as forward as him, so I just kept my mouth shut.  The more he tried to get me to talk, the less I talked.  G doesn't give up easily, so he tried telling me the craziest things just to get a reaction out of me.  Little did he know he almost got the wrong reaction.  By the end of the date, he was telling me that the reflectors on the road were turned on and off by pygmies that lived in the ditches.  I sat there in silence trying to decide if I was with a crazy person or if he was just pulling my leg.  I wondered why in the world I had agreed to go out with him and how I was going to get back home!  I really didn't know whether I wanted to go anywhere with him or not ever again!  Fortunately for G, I decided I would give him another chance. G loves to tell people that we met on a street corner!  I have to quickly tell them that he was the one on the street because he conveniently leaves that out!                 

A Challenge!

I have been issued a challenge by one of my daughters. In talking with her last night, she asked me to tell her how my husband and I came to the decision that we should get married.  She knows we wrote letters to each other while we were dating, but she hasn't read them.  I have always been a little hesitant to let my children read them because they are so personal (and I don't remember what all we said!).  I kept all the letters my husband sent me, but didn't realize he had kept mine until years after we were married.  That was exciting to me because it gives a more complete record of our "conversations".  We decided that I would write excerpts from those letters here and maybe an explaination of what we were thinking and decisions we were making at that time.  I have been asked by all my children how I knew their Daddy was "the right one", but I haven't been able to successfully answer their questions.  I am hoping that through the letters and narration on the part of my husband and I, it will help them find the answers they seek.  We certainly didn't do everything right, but maybe they can learn from our mistakes.  It will let them know how much their parents love each other and sought to make a home from that love for us all.  Let me know what you think of this idea!  Any feedback you give will certainly help!

Time is March-ing on!

I can't believe we are at the end of March already!  We have been so busy getting the house ready to sell, I haven't had time to blog or think, even!   The kids just left after their spring break and the house seems empty once again.  I am getting better at watching them leave, but it is still hard.  The last few weeks have been hard.  On March 6th my father passed away.  It felt like it was sudden, but he had been in poor health for a year.  I guess you never really are ready even if you are expecting it to happen.  He had been doing pretty well and then suddenly the call came that he was back in the hospital.  They thought it was pneumonia at first, but actually it was his heart shutting down.  All of us, his six children and his wife, were there when he went home.  The whole day he had spent time talking to each of us and telling us what he wanted us to do.  It is sad and heartwarming at the same time to watch someone who knows his time is very short.  Anyway, we each had time with him to say goodbye.  I don't know if all of us realized it was goodbye at the time, but looking back it was a great gift he gave to us. 

My father wouldn't have won a "father of the year" prize.  He was a very hard man and seemed to have a tough time showing his love for his family.  To him, providing a home was showing love and maybe it is, I just sometimes wished he would just have given us great big hugs and told us he was proud of us.  There were times in my life when I didn't like him very much, but as I got older, I learned to accept how he was and to love him not for what he did, but for who he was...the father God placed in my life.  Growing up, I heard him say over and over that he didn't think you could know for sure that you were going to heaven when you die until you died.  In his words," you just have to hope you have been good enough and the Man upstairs lets you in".  I accepted Christ as Lord of my life when I was 11 years old and from that day I would tell him how you could be sure and he would argue that you couldn't know.  It really bothered me to think he would not be in heaven with me for eternity.  Over the years, Daddy went to church, was involved in the leadership of the church they went to, and talked with many people about the assurance of your salvation. But he still had no assurance of that Gift.   As I was driving to the hospital, I ask God to allow someone to try one more time to get Daddy to understand and be sure he was saved.  Well, one of my sisters was given that privilege.  There were only two of them there and Daddy said he was leaving.  My sister asked where he was going and he said he hoped it was heaven.  My sister said that wasn't good enough, he needed to be sure.  He said he didn't know how to be sure and she told him it was simple, just ask God for his free gift. He has heard this so many times before, but I really think this was the first time it really sunk in.  He prayed the prayer and my sister said he had such a peaceful look on his face that it was amazing.  He wanted to go on then, but she urged him to wait for the rest of us to get back.  He held on until everyone was there (we had been in and out all day).  It was relatively peaceful at the end and the relieved look on his face was beautiful. 

There were a lot of feelings as we stood in that room, anger, hatred, love, and a longing for what could have been;  all rolled into one big ball.  What could all our lives have been if he had had a relationship with the Lord Jesus all of our lives.  The oldest 4 of us had a different mother that passed away when we were very young.  I was the youngest of her children and I have often wondered how my life would have been different if she had lived.  I do firmly believe that God knows what is best for us in the test of time so the events in my life I believe are used for my good and the furtherance of God's kingdom.  

It is an odd feeling to know that both your parents are gone and you are now the "older" generation.  My step-mother, who is the only mother I remember, is still here and very much a part of our lives.  There are a lot of feelings to sort out in the coming weeks and I hope you don't get bored with reading about them.  This is my only place to fully express what I am feeling.

A Brand New Year

I didn't realize how long it has been since I have posted an update!  Wow! here we are in another year already.  Things have been very busy around here.  We are trying to get our house in shape to put on the market.  Lots of painting, laying tile, sorting, cleaning and did I mention painting?   One of my sisters came back with me at Thanksgiving to help me get some of my painting done.  She stayed for two weeks and boy, did we work!  We got at least half of the house painted inside.  After she went back home, my husband took his Christmas vacation and we painted some more.  With the help of my wonderful children, we finished the outside painting.  I hope with all we are doing to improve the house, it will pay off in a quick sale.  I'm ready for a change of location.

Our Christmas was quite, and relaxed (if you don't count all the painting!).  All my children were home for most of their 3 weeks off.  I really enjoy having them home and I really miss them when they are gone.  I always thought I would have a hard time when they grew up, but I am coming to understand how hard it really is.  I am trying to step aside and let them live their lives without my interference, but it is like holding my breath.  You can only do it for so long before you have to do something!  I see and hear their struggles and try to wait until they come to me before I give my advise.  I also pray a lot more!  Maybe that is what I should be doing anyway, praying and not trying to take care of things myself.  It's just hard to sit by silent knowing what would make them happier and life a little easier!

This year with all the work we were doing on the house, I let the decorating for the season fall by the wayside.  I think this is the first year I have done so little to welcome the Christmas season.  All we put up was the Christmas tree~  I think though that we enjoyed each other's company even without the finery that is usually put out.  And that is the reason behind the season, to reflect and praise all the good gifts that God has given us. 

Well, puppies are out of their yard, and other work calls me.  I will do my best to post more often this year!  Happy New Year, ya'll!