My heart is heavy tonight. My dear friend's mother was killed in an accident. Why are sudden deaths so hard to understand? Since my father died only a year ago and that memory is fresh in my memory, I know what she is going through tonight. Her father passed away while we were in high school so that leaves her alone in this world. It is an odd place to be in when all the members of your immediate family are gone and you are all that is left. You are the "older generation" even though you have your own family now and you have extended family. The loneliness is felt deep in your heart.
I remember vignettes of my friends mother, the times I spent the night with her when we were in school and the times I visited with her after we were grown and married. Her mother was a strong lady that I know had her share of heartaches throughout life, but through it all she stood strong and faced each day with courage. Her mother raised a strong, beautiful, gracious daughter. I know her mother had those same qualities, because you can only teach what you know to your children. I know my friend will miss her mother terribly for I think they were best friends. My friend was given a great gift by God because she got to spend a lot of time visiting her mother just a few short weeks ago. When her grief is not so raw and tender, Oh, how she will treasure those days and the memories they made together. Life is so much shorter than we think. Do we take the time to make the most of what we are given or do we think we will have time later?
This song has helped me during the last year when it felt as though the bad wouldn't stop coming. The title is Move by Mercy Me. These are the verses that spoke to me, maybe it will help my friend.
I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I won’t stop, I’ll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but I won’t break
As long as I can see your face
When life won’t play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can’t seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I won’t let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter 2012
It has been a long time since my last post. Much has happened in my life, so much that I needed to retreat and sort things out. I have been worried about putting my thoughts down for all to see; afraid that I would not be understood, that I might make someone mad, or that I couldn't put my thoughts in any sensible order. Well, I still may not be able to, but I am going to try.
Last year began with a blow to my family that we are still reeling from. Because of the decisions of one member, we have become a disjointed family...not the loving and caring family we once were. Maybe I am the catalyst that began the destruction, maybe not, but it feels as though the mother is the one to keep everyone in a tight circle and I haven't done that. I feel lost and directionless, but not hopeless. Today is the day we celebrate the Risen Saviour and that gives me great hope. Hope that all that was taught and lived before my children will come back to their hearts and they will surrender their lives to their Saviour. My prayer for them is to find the only satisfaction in this life is to follow the teachings of Jesus, no matter how hard it is or what road it takes them down. I thought I had prepared them for a life of loving and living for Jesus. They claimed they lived with Christ in their hearts, but their lives don't bear that out. Their actions, speech, and lifestyles are in complete opposition to the teachings of the Bible and they wonder why so many things are going wrong in their lives. I came to depend on my relationship with Jesus very early in life. I never wanted my children to go through the pain and disillusionment that I went through growing up. But those very heartaches are what made me stand strong in Christ no matter what came my way. The only and best thing I can do is to pray that Jesus will pull them back to him and a right relationship with Him. He is the only one who will love and stand by you through it all.
Last year continued with two deaths in my family, my father and my uncle, who died within a few months of each other. How odd it feels to be the "older" generation. My mother died when I was little, and both my grandparents (who were as close as parents) are gone. Death is a natural part of life even though it is hard to deal with when it happens to your loved ones. So now my brothers and sisters will be the next generation of "old folks" to the younger ones in the family. Oh my, how the family is growing! We have added 6 new babies in the past 4 years! Deaths and births are part of it all, the pain and the joy of families.
Last year was the year of health issues for my husband and I. We have had to come to terms with the fact that we won't be around forever! My husband had a severe reaction to some medication and came very close to being the third death in the family. It is chilling to think about how close I came to being a widow. It made us realize that life is short and to cherish every moment we have like it was the last. We aren't promised more than this breath we are breathing. I have recently learned that I have had a stroke sometime in the last few years. Thanks to my Lord, it didn't leave me with any permanent damage, but it underscored just how quickly life can change. I have migraines and they increase your risk of stroke. I had no idea migraines could cause strokes, but apparently they do. There isn't much you can do to prevent a recurring stroke, especially if you don't have the risk factors that generally cause strokes. My grandfather died from a stroke, which increases my chances of having another one. I have many things I have put off doing in life that I would like to do now that I have more time. I pray that God allows me to pursue those desires for as long as I can. When things start happening, you realize the blessings of God come in greater things than material wealth. Health, a close relationship with God, a family that loves God and each other, and the opportunity to tell others about the good news of Jesus are just about all you need in this life.
So much is happening this year that I don't think it will all fit on this post. Tomorrow is another day and another post. Go worship your Savior today, and if He isn't your Savior, He can be....just ask me!
Last year began with a blow to my family that we are still reeling from. Because of the decisions of one member, we have become a disjointed family...not the loving and caring family we once were. Maybe I am the catalyst that began the destruction, maybe not, but it feels as though the mother is the one to keep everyone in a tight circle and I haven't done that. I feel lost and directionless, but not hopeless. Today is the day we celebrate the Risen Saviour and that gives me great hope. Hope that all that was taught and lived before my children will come back to their hearts and they will surrender their lives to their Saviour. My prayer for them is to find the only satisfaction in this life is to follow the teachings of Jesus, no matter how hard it is or what road it takes them down. I thought I had prepared them for a life of loving and living for Jesus. They claimed they lived with Christ in their hearts, but their lives don't bear that out. Their actions, speech, and lifestyles are in complete opposition to the teachings of the Bible and they wonder why so many things are going wrong in their lives. I came to depend on my relationship with Jesus very early in life. I never wanted my children to go through the pain and disillusionment that I went through growing up. But those very heartaches are what made me stand strong in Christ no matter what came my way. The only and best thing I can do is to pray that Jesus will pull them back to him and a right relationship with Him. He is the only one who will love and stand by you through it all.
Last year continued with two deaths in my family, my father and my uncle, who died within a few months of each other. How odd it feels to be the "older" generation. My mother died when I was little, and both my grandparents (who were as close as parents) are gone. Death is a natural part of life even though it is hard to deal with when it happens to your loved ones. So now my brothers and sisters will be the next generation of "old folks" to the younger ones in the family. Oh my, how the family is growing! We have added 6 new babies in the past 4 years! Deaths and births are part of it all, the pain and the joy of families.
Last year was the year of health issues for my husband and I. We have had to come to terms with the fact that we won't be around forever! My husband had a severe reaction to some medication and came very close to being the third death in the family. It is chilling to think about how close I came to being a widow. It made us realize that life is short and to cherish every moment we have like it was the last. We aren't promised more than this breath we are breathing. I have recently learned that I have had a stroke sometime in the last few years. Thanks to my Lord, it didn't leave me with any permanent damage, but it underscored just how quickly life can change. I have migraines and they increase your risk of stroke. I had no idea migraines could cause strokes, but apparently they do. There isn't much you can do to prevent a recurring stroke, especially if you don't have the risk factors that generally cause strokes. My grandfather died from a stroke, which increases my chances of having another one. I have many things I have put off doing in life that I would like to do now that I have more time. I pray that God allows me to pursue those desires for as long as I can. When things start happening, you realize the blessings of God come in greater things than material wealth. Health, a close relationship with God, a family that loves God and each other, and the opportunity to tell others about the good news of Jesus are just about all you need in this life.
So much is happening this year that I don't think it will all fit on this post. Tomorrow is another day and another post. Go worship your Savior today, and if He isn't your Savior, He can be....just ask me!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Cycles of Life
This past weekend, I found myself in in the same place I was in 5 months ago...at yet another family members funeral. My uncle passed away last week after a long and debilitating illness. As I sat in the same church as I grew up in, the memories came flooding back. I was born in this church family and lived my life there until I was married. My aunt and uncle were married in that church 42 years ago almost to the day. Memories of that day kept flying to mind. It was over 100 degrees when they married and over 100 degrees at his funeral. The only thing changed was there was now air conditioning! I spent many days with my aunt and uncle when they were first married and their daughter seemed more like a sister than a cousin. She and my youngest sister are close in age and she spent a lot of time at our house.
As we were standing in the family cemetery, I kept remembering all those loved ones that were around us. My father's grave, my grandparents, and other relatives that I didn't know personally but have heard all the stories over the years of their lives in that place. I looked around the pasture (where the cemetery is located), and remembered flying kites there with my brother, riding my grandfather's bulldozer as he cleared the pasture next to us, using the tin roof on the barn as a slide, storing potatoes in the loft of the barn, making a Morse code box and trying to learn to use it in that same barn. I remember seeing my grandfather everywhere I looked. The crib where they stored corn was our after-school job. We went there to use a corn sheller to get enough corn to feed the chickens, pigs, or whatever animals they were raising. Boy could that old corn sheller pinch your hand!
The air conditioner was broken at my mother's house, so we went back to my grandparent's house to eat supper. All of my sisters were there and we started talking about all the things we remembered growing up. I guess they were having a lot of memories surface too. My aunts ( that now live in my grandparents house) got out the old movies and put them in the DVD player. It was great to see some of the people I remember from childhood that helped shape me into who I am today.
This has been a teary weekend, but not all the tears were sad ones. Sometimes its good to take a walk down memory lane, even if it begins with a sad event.
As we were standing in the family cemetery, I kept remembering all those loved ones that were around us. My father's grave, my grandparents, and other relatives that I didn't know personally but have heard all the stories over the years of their lives in that place. I looked around the pasture (where the cemetery is located), and remembered flying kites there with my brother, riding my grandfather's bulldozer as he cleared the pasture next to us, using the tin roof on the barn as a slide, storing potatoes in the loft of the barn, making a Morse code box and trying to learn to use it in that same barn. I remember seeing my grandfather everywhere I looked. The crib where they stored corn was our after-school job. We went there to use a corn sheller to get enough corn to feed the chickens, pigs, or whatever animals they were raising. Boy could that old corn sheller pinch your hand!
The air conditioner was broken at my mother's house, so we went back to my grandparent's house to eat supper. All of my sisters were there and we started talking about all the things we remembered growing up. I guess they were having a lot of memories surface too. My aunts ( that now live in my grandparents house) got out the old movies and put them in the DVD player. It was great to see some of the people I remember from childhood that helped shape me into who I am today.
This has been a teary weekend, but not all the tears were sad ones. Sometimes its good to take a walk down memory lane, even if it begins with a sad event.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
What If?
BLESSINGS
Artist: LAURA STORY.
Album: Blessings
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
You long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
I have been thinking, praying, listening about the trials my family is going through right now. As I was listening to this song recently and really hearing the words, it came to me that the things that hurt us, scare us, make us wonder where we are and where God is could really be the method God uses to deliver his tender mercies to us. Not much has changed with any situation in my family, but I certainly have. I have grown so much closer to God and have intently listened to what He has to say to me. I most of the time don't even know the words that I need to utter to Him. I have poured my heart out to Him and He is ever so gently wrapping His loving arms around me with assurances that He has it all under control, even though I can't see it yet. The line in the song above really gripped my heart, "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near" I do feel His presence so much more than I did before my world caved in and I am praying that each member of my family will also feel His presence as clearly as I have.
Artist: LAURA STORY.
Album: Blessings
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
You long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
I have been thinking, praying, listening about the trials my family is going through right now. As I was listening to this song recently and really hearing the words, it came to me that the things that hurt us, scare us, make us wonder where we are and where God is could really be the method God uses to deliver his tender mercies to us. Not much has changed with any situation in my family, but I certainly have. I have grown so much closer to God and have intently listened to what He has to say to me. I most of the time don't even know the words that I need to utter to Him. I have poured my heart out to Him and He is ever so gently wrapping His loving arms around me with assurances that He has it all under control, even though I can't see it yet. The line in the song above really gripped my heart, "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near" I do feel His presence so much more than I did before my world caved in and I am praying that each member of my family will also feel His presence as clearly as I have.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Recovery
Well, the surgery went very well. The patient is doing great, in spite of some pain and soreness. I suppose that is to be expected. It is never easy to watch someone you love go through surgery, but it is better than being sick and in pain.
I have been watching someone else go through pain lately. Not physical pain, but pain none the less. How do you resolve such a conflict? I'm afraid I don't have the answer, but I know who does. I have said all I know, and it has not been heard. So, I have no choice but to back off and allow God to work and move in my loved one's life without my interference. I will pray for my loved one, with praise and thanksgiving to God for all He is and will do in my loved one's life. I don't know what that will mean for my loved one, I only pray that I can learn to lean wholy on Him and trust that He will do what is best for us both in this situation.
I have tried to figure out what changed, went wrong, or what I may have done or not done that missed the mark in my rearing of my children. Every mother has regrets that plague her, things she wishes she could have done differently. We, as mothers, can only do what we feel is right at the time we are faced with an issue. It would be great if we could have the wisdom of hindsight to help make those decisions, but part of raising children is the trust that God will give us the wisdom to make good decisions. I niavely wanted to do everything "right" so my children would have an easier life. I realize, now that I am older, that we are not meant to have an easy life. The Bible says that we will have troubles in life. What matters is how we handle those troubles. Do we stay the course with God, or do we cave in to the world's definition of "right"? I thought I had given my children the resources they needed to "stay the course with God". I am also realizing that it isn't my choice, it is my children's choice. My only job is to teach the resources, and pray that they will always rely on God. I thought they had all made the choice to follow God, and relaxed my covering of prayer for them, thinking they were safe. How wrong I was! My job now is to pray even harder for them as they manuver through the maize that is life to lean on God and not their own understanding. I hope I am not too late in this revelation of my shortcomings. With God all things are possible, so I will hold to that truth.
I was reading this morning from a book by Janet Thompson about praying for your child. This is an excerpt from that book:
"The old saying, "Prayer changes things," is only half-true. What it also changes is our attitudes as we relinquish our worries and anxieties to the Lord. Often, then, when we leave the results to Him, He intervenes and does what we could not do. Also, prayer changes our perception of what is possible and recruits us to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. And its's during the step of praise in our paryers that we experience relinquishment. You cannot really praise the Lord of All and keep contol of all at the same time."
So maybe this trial is also to teach me to learn to lean solely on God for all my understandings, too. I have always asked God to make me a better mother everyday. This is still my prayer, to make me a Godly mother each day even though I don't have small children in my home. Our children deserve our unconditional love, and that includes our constant, persistent prayers for them all their lives.
I have been watching someone else go through pain lately. Not physical pain, but pain none the less. How do you resolve such a conflict? I'm afraid I don't have the answer, but I know who does. I have said all I know, and it has not been heard. So, I have no choice but to back off and allow God to work and move in my loved one's life without my interference. I will pray for my loved one, with praise and thanksgiving to God for all He is and will do in my loved one's life. I don't know what that will mean for my loved one, I only pray that I can learn to lean wholy on Him and trust that He will do what is best for us both in this situation.
I have tried to figure out what changed, went wrong, or what I may have done or not done that missed the mark in my rearing of my children. Every mother has regrets that plague her, things she wishes she could have done differently. We, as mothers, can only do what we feel is right at the time we are faced with an issue. It would be great if we could have the wisdom of hindsight to help make those decisions, but part of raising children is the trust that God will give us the wisdom to make good decisions. I niavely wanted to do everything "right" so my children would have an easier life. I realize, now that I am older, that we are not meant to have an easy life. The Bible says that we will have troubles in life. What matters is how we handle those troubles. Do we stay the course with God, or do we cave in to the world's definition of "right"? I thought I had given my children the resources they needed to "stay the course with God". I am also realizing that it isn't my choice, it is my children's choice. My only job is to teach the resources, and pray that they will always rely on God. I thought they had all made the choice to follow God, and relaxed my covering of prayer for them, thinking they were safe. How wrong I was! My job now is to pray even harder for them as they manuver through the maize that is life to lean on God and not their own understanding. I hope I am not too late in this revelation of my shortcomings. With God all things are possible, so I will hold to that truth.
I was reading this morning from a book by Janet Thompson about praying for your child. This is an excerpt from that book:
"The old saying, "Prayer changes things," is only half-true. What it also changes is our attitudes as we relinquish our worries and anxieties to the Lord. Often, then, when we leave the results to Him, He intervenes and does what we could not do. Also, prayer changes our perception of what is possible and recruits us to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. And its's during the step of praise in our paryers that we experience relinquishment. You cannot really praise the Lord of All and keep contol of all at the same time."
So maybe this trial is also to teach me to learn to lean solely on God for all my understandings, too. I have always asked God to make me a better mother everyday. This is still my prayer, to make me a Godly mother each day even though I don't have small children in my home. Our children deserve our unconditional love, and that includes our constant, persistent prayers for them all their lives.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Early Morning
I am up very early for me this morning. We are taking one of my daughters to have outpatient surgery today, so this will be a short post. It isn't supposed to be a long surgery and hopefully she will get to come home after she wakes up. Any surgery is scary, no matter how routine. When it is someone you love, there is nothing routine about it. I have had this same surgery and know what she is going to feel. It isn't horrible, just very uncomfortable. I know it is needed and she will feel so much better when it is all over, but I dread seeing one of my children in pain. I have been awake for several hours, praying for her and for others in my family.
Life is so unsettled for us all right now, I really don't know how to respond to most of what is going on. I thought we would always be close like we have been all along, but it isn't turning out that way. Maybe I haven't kept on top of everything and that is why we are drifting apart. Or maybe no one but me cared whether we stuck together or not. I just don't know.
Life is so unsettled for us all right now, I really don't know how to respond to most of what is going on. I thought we would always be close like we have been all along, but it isn't turning out that way. Maybe I haven't kept on top of everything and that is why we are drifting apart. Or maybe no one but me cared whether we stuck together or not. I just don't know.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Again...
I am so angry and hurt right now I can't sleep. I have prayed more in the last few weeks than I ever have in my life, I think. I drove 12 hours to see my child only to find her not here. I wanted so desperately to see her tonight and to talk with her about an important event in her life tomorrow. It hurts so much to know that you are not wanted. The excuse for not being here was flimsy at best. I can't seem to control my anger. I don't know what to do.
I spent several hours as I was driving just talking to God about the situation we have found ourselves in. I have been over in my mind so many times what did I do wrong? was this rebellion in her heart all the years of her growing up and I just didn't see it? did she ever have a relationship with God? what could have prevented this? I could list a thousand things that I think happened, but it really comes down to the fact that she doesn't want a relationship with God or her parents. I suppose we are too old-fashioned and God has too many rules.
Part of me wants to "turn her over to a reprobate mind", and part of me wants to hug her so hard she will never let go. Her father and I have some very hard decisions to make. We can't condone her behavior, nor can we enable her to continue in it. We will be held accountable to God for how we handle this situation and she will be accountable to God for her actions. This will be one of the hardest weekends we have ever been through. I pray we all make the right decisions.
I spent several hours as I was driving just talking to God about the situation we have found ourselves in. I have been over in my mind so many times what did I do wrong? was this rebellion in her heart all the years of her growing up and I just didn't see it? did she ever have a relationship with God? what could have prevented this? I could list a thousand things that I think happened, but it really comes down to the fact that she doesn't want a relationship with God or her parents. I suppose we are too old-fashioned and God has too many rules.
Part of me wants to "turn her over to a reprobate mind", and part of me wants to hug her so hard she will never let go. Her father and I have some very hard decisions to make. We can't condone her behavior, nor can we enable her to continue in it. We will be held accountable to God for how we handle this situation and she will be accountable to God for her actions. This will be one of the hardest weekends we have ever been through. I pray we all make the right decisions.
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